Monday 11 June 2007

With noses glowing traditionally from the weekend sunshine, the brand new week starts in the UK. What could be making Really Huge News by the time Friday comes and us Brits are again hoping to top up our sunburn? Possibly the following:

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Paris Hilton is released from jail when her mystery ailment is revealed to be celebrity attention deficit disorder.

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George W. Bush's tour of Europe ends with Bulgaria. When asked how his trip has gone, President Bush talks fondly of Tomsk and then asks to meet Tobermory and Madame Cholet.

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In an act of reconciliation, the British and Argentinian governments jointly mark the 25th anniversary of the end of the Falklands war. Tragedy hits when Margaret Thatcher is run over by an official vehicle when she was heading away from the reconciliation ceremony.

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Sony withdraw "Resistance: Fall of Man", the Playstation game that uses Manchester Cathedral's interior as the setting for a bloody alien battle. Rejecting the Church of England's complaints, Sony bow to pressure from Manchester United for unauthorised use of the faces of Sir Alex Ferguson, Wayne Rooney and Gary Neville for the alien creatures.

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The US launch of Victoria Beckham's dVb denim range is marred when, in order to keep the event classy, Victoria bans people from wearing jeans.

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The result of the battle of the UK film premieres - Fantastic Four, Shrek Three.

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The UN World Day Against Child Labour focuses on agriculture. Tesco removes baby carrots and leeks from their shelves and commits to stop using "Every Little Helps".

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A leak ahead of the UK government's statement on digital switchover reveals that their strategy is indeed based on crossed fingers.

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In a week that sees George H.W. Bush 83rd birthday celebrations, the 218th anniversary of the birth of Bourbon whisky, and Ice Cube's 38th birthday, a confused and conflicted George W.Bush seeks advice as to which party to attend.

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Michael Jackson celebrates the second anniversary of his acquittal of child abuse charges by taking his attorneys for a meal at Chuck E. Cheese's.

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