Friday 15 June 2007

As the week draws to a close it's time to look back on recent happenings, perhaps with a sense of relief similar to that felt by a soon to be prime minister flying out of Iraq just after a mortar attack on the International Zone in Baghdad.

The REALLY HUGE NEWS this week is:

*****

A week of many believable denials. George W. Bush didn't have his watch lifted while embracing an over-enthusiatic Albanian crowd (obviously a case of mistaken identity), Nicolas Sarkozy was not drunk at the G8 summit last week. And Gordon Brown is not James Brown's son. Further denials reveal that one of these is definitely not true but which one?

*****

Ikea is giving its UK employees low-energy light bulbs for use at home. This small but admirable eco-friendly step was frustrated when none of the Ikea employees could understand the instructions that came with the light bulbs.

*****

A Tate Gallery spokesperson poo pood claims that Piero Manzoni's artistic creation "Merda d'Artista" are tins containing only plaster.

*****

After weeks of media intrigue, Jamaican police announced that Bob Woolmer was not murdered and died of natural causes. The Pakistan cricket team and bookmakers in India stated that they had known this the whole time.

*****

Victoria Beckham's lawyers admitted a simple misunderstanding and withdrew an injunction stopping the We Are What We Do (WAWWD) campaign to exclude plastic bags from Christmas shopping.

*****

The lap dancing advert on a field under the flight path into London Gatwick airport has triggered a new wave of promotion. The flight path into Birmingham International Airport is adorned with images of a local Balti restaurant. The Royal Bank of Scotland has plans for the approach to Edinburgh airport. No surprises at London Heathrow where National Car Parks has benefited from overhead images of the M25 for years.

*****

The cause of the International Space Station's computer crash is now understood to be the visiting astronauts trying to watch clips of "Britain's Got Talent" on YouTube and the computer's advanced analytical software logic paths being unable to cope.



*****

George W. Bush's jewellers celebrated the US President's visit to Albania and his close encounter with cheering crowds. Alfred Moisiu, the Albanian President issued a statement that President Bush enjoyed his time in Albania not only meeting the people but also, when in private, games of Find The Lady and Liar's Poker.

*****

The New South Wales State Emergency Service delivered 12 kegs and three crates of beer to the town of Hinton which has been cut-off from the outside world by floods. Hinton residents have appealed for assistance from Aboriginal spiritual leaders for more water.

*****

Paul McCartney fans have spotted that the title of his new album - Memory Almost Full - is an anagram of "For My Soulmate LLM". LLM = Linda Louise McCartney. Heather Mills-McCartney is, of course, an anagram of Mentally Charm Heretics. Now we better understand the relationship dynamics.

*****

A spokesperson for Nicolas Sarkozy highlighted the new French President's cultural sensitivity on the world stage by Monsieur Sarkozy's refusal to offer French wine to Vladimir Putin and instead serving the President of the Russian Federation Eau de Cologne Imperiale Russe Martinis.

*****