Friday 8 June 2007

As the week draws to a close it's time to reflect on recent events. Hopefully you are not doing this in solitary confinement like Paris Hilton (successfully plotting how to get out of jail) or, actually, in any manner like Paris Hilton.

The REALLY HUGE NEWS this week is:

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Following on from the success of the teddy bear robot used to carry injured soldiers to safety, the US military are developing a Winnie The Pooh evacuation tool for those unfortunate, scary moments.

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The national university entrance exams have started in China. The Chinese consider these high pressure exams a defining moment on the road to success as students compete for limited college places. Parents do everything in their power to help - hire tutors, buy special food, rent hotel rooms near the exam hall. The local authorities even ban construction and the use of sirens between 10 pm and 6 am to provide for a good night's sleep. This may initially seem somewhat extreme but on closer inspection looks very similar to the consideration given in the UK to getting into X Factor, Big Brother or a media studies course.

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Starbucks has released Paul McCartney's latest album on their Hear Music label. "Memory Almost Full" is being played non-stop at more than 10,000 Starbucks outlets around the world and is available for purchase with a free Iced Caramel Masochisto.

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The original "warts and all" portrait of Oliver Cromwell was sold for £532,000. In the same auction, the original pre-Photoshop picture of Jordan failed to reach its reserve price.



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Swedish scientists have developed digital paper that plays recorded sound when touched. Kimberly-Clark have confirmed plans to incorporate cute puppy noises in their Andrex products, "bless yous" in their Kleenex Aloe Vera range and Meg Ryan's deli scene in a new tissue product range for teenage boys.

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Teeside University's research project Consumption and Activity in Kids Experience (CAKE) revealed that most 9 and 10 year old children surveyed were not aware of any type of bean other than baked. The survey did not, however, complete the research into the children's knowledge of cake as the first kid interviewed consumed all the time available for the study as well as three Battenberg cakes, correctly peeling off the almond flavoured coating and separating out the pink and yellow segments.

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Ulster Unionist Councillor Jim Rodgers became Belfast's lord mayor on the toss of a coin. Guidance on this deadlock breaking course of action came from Tony Blair who added that it's a really good way of deciding who gets to pay for dinner at a swanky Islington restaurant and become prime minister for ten years.

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Postal workers have voted to strike over the Royal Mail's proposed pay settlement. Follow-on industrial action plans are uncertain without the Communication Workers Union being able to organise a postal ballot.

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The Glamour Woman of the Year is Victoria Beckham, Presenter of the Year is Fearne Cotton, Writer of the Year is Teri Hatcher, TV Personality of the Year is Charlotte Church, and the Inspiration Award went to Angelina Jolie. In a remarkable coincidence, the same individuals won awards on the same night from Vacuous TV, Life Force Ebbing Away Magazine and Hansard.

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The Rolling Stones are back on the road again and, in traditional rock star manner, making mayhem. This time no trashing of hotel rooms, Mars bars or falling out of trees. Instead their Belgrade concert has been moved because of concerns that it might upset 300 horses in stables near the original concert venue. The shares of Serbia's leading fertiliser company plummeted from the 52 week high set after a recent Osmonds concert.

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The Terence Higgins Trust launched a campaign promoting safe sex at the 2012 Olympics highlighting that competitors used 90,000 condoms at the Sydney Olympics and 250,000 condoms at the Winter Olympics in Utah two years later. The campaign scored an immediate victory when the London Olympics organisers confirmed that the cartoon characters in the new logo are fully protected. There is now wild speculation as to what those winter Olympians have that their summer counterparts don't. Apart, of course, from those 160,000 extra condoms.

(With thanks to diamond geezer for planting the lovely image of cartoon frolicking in what's left of my mind).

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The first eviction night on UK Big Brother 8 has been suspended due to Emily Parr's removal from the Big Brother House for saying a racially offensive word. The series is under threat following other inmates saying the unsayable - "Actually the Apprentice is more interesting and would have been a better long term career move but then I'm not really qualified to get on it."

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Rod Stewart performed for the Queen at St James's Palace in London in aid of the Royal National Institute for the Blind. He dedicated a song to his fiancee, Penny Lancaster, and denied rumours that either of them are a beneficiary of this particular charity.

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