Wednesday 13 June 2007

It's Wednesday, so it's spelling test day at school for my 8 year old daughter. This week the words are:

beside
between
behind
beneath
beyond
alongside
close to
opposite
next to
adjacent to
under
underneath

Yes, these are prepositions, a category of adpositions. My daughter reminds me that these are not postpositions, circumpositions, interpositions or even ambipositions. Seems that grammar has more positions than a cricket team. At the risk of having to explain the rules of cricket, I offer an alternative spelling list:

over
before
mid
at
off
out of
by
on
in
for
in front of
under

Thanks to Really Huge News, you are now fully equipped to play cricket. Enjoy.

Monday 11 June 2007

With noses glowing traditionally from the weekend sunshine, the brand new week starts in the UK. What could be making Really Huge News by the time Friday comes and us Brits are again hoping to top up our sunburn? Possibly the following:

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Paris Hilton is released from jail when her mystery ailment is revealed to be celebrity attention deficit disorder.

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George W. Bush's tour of Europe ends with Bulgaria. When asked how his trip has gone, President Bush talks fondly of Tomsk and then asks to meet Tobermory and Madame Cholet.

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In an act of reconciliation, the British and Argentinian governments jointly mark the 25th anniversary of the end of the Falklands war. Tragedy hits when Margaret Thatcher is run over by an official vehicle when she was heading away from the reconciliation ceremony.

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Sony withdraw "Resistance: Fall of Man", the Playstation game that uses Manchester Cathedral's interior as the setting for a bloody alien battle. Rejecting the Church of England's complaints, Sony bow to pressure from Manchester United for unauthorised use of the faces of Sir Alex Ferguson, Wayne Rooney and Gary Neville for the alien creatures.

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The US launch of Victoria Beckham's dVb denim range is marred when, in order to keep the event classy, Victoria bans people from wearing jeans.

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The result of the battle of the UK film premieres - Fantastic Four, Shrek Three.

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The UN World Day Against Child Labour focuses on agriculture. Tesco removes baby carrots and leeks from their shelves and commits to stop using "Every Little Helps".

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A leak ahead of the UK government's statement on digital switchover reveals that their strategy is indeed based on crossed fingers.

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In a week that sees George H.W. Bush 83rd birthday celebrations, the 218th anniversary of the birth of Bourbon whisky, and Ice Cube's 38th birthday, a confused and conflicted George W.Bush seeks advice as to which party to attend.

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Michael Jackson celebrates the second anniversary of his acquittal of child abuse charges by taking his attorneys for a meal at Chuck E. Cheese's.

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Friday 8 June 2007

As the week draws to a close it's time to reflect on recent events. Hopefully you are not doing this in solitary confinement like Paris Hilton (successfully plotting how to get out of jail) or, actually, in any manner like Paris Hilton.

The REALLY HUGE NEWS this week is:

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Following on from the success of the teddy bear robot used to carry injured soldiers to safety, the US military are developing a Winnie The Pooh evacuation tool for those unfortunate, scary moments.

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The national university entrance exams have started in China. The Chinese consider these high pressure exams a defining moment on the road to success as students compete for limited college places. Parents do everything in their power to help - hire tutors, buy special food, rent hotel rooms near the exam hall. The local authorities even ban construction and the use of sirens between 10 pm and 6 am to provide for a good night's sleep. This may initially seem somewhat extreme but on closer inspection looks very similar to the consideration given in the UK to getting into X Factor, Big Brother or a media studies course.

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Starbucks has released Paul McCartney's latest album on their Hear Music label. "Memory Almost Full" is being played non-stop at more than 10,000 Starbucks outlets around the world and is available for purchase with a free Iced Caramel Masochisto.

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The original "warts and all" portrait of Oliver Cromwell was sold for £532,000. In the same auction, the original pre-Photoshop picture of Jordan failed to reach its reserve price.



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Swedish scientists have developed digital paper that plays recorded sound when touched. Kimberly-Clark have confirmed plans to incorporate cute puppy noises in their Andrex products, "bless yous" in their Kleenex Aloe Vera range and Meg Ryan's deli scene in a new tissue product range for teenage boys.

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Teeside University's research project Consumption and Activity in Kids Experience (CAKE) revealed that most 9 and 10 year old children surveyed were not aware of any type of bean other than baked. The survey did not, however, complete the research into the children's knowledge of cake as the first kid interviewed consumed all the time available for the study as well as three Battenberg cakes, correctly peeling off the almond flavoured coating and separating out the pink and yellow segments.

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Ulster Unionist Councillor Jim Rodgers became Belfast's lord mayor on the toss of a coin. Guidance on this deadlock breaking course of action came from Tony Blair who added that it's a really good way of deciding who gets to pay for dinner at a swanky Islington restaurant and become prime minister for ten years.

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Postal workers have voted to strike over the Royal Mail's proposed pay settlement. Follow-on industrial action plans are uncertain without the Communication Workers Union being able to organise a postal ballot.

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The Glamour Woman of the Year is Victoria Beckham, Presenter of the Year is Fearne Cotton, Writer of the Year is Teri Hatcher, TV Personality of the Year is Charlotte Church, and the Inspiration Award went to Angelina Jolie. In a remarkable coincidence, the same individuals won awards on the same night from Vacuous TV, Life Force Ebbing Away Magazine and Hansard.

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The Rolling Stones are back on the road again and, in traditional rock star manner, making mayhem. This time no trashing of hotel rooms, Mars bars or falling out of trees. Instead their Belgrade concert has been moved because of concerns that it might upset 300 horses in stables near the original concert venue. The shares of Serbia's leading fertiliser company plummeted from the 52 week high set after a recent Osmonds concert.

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The Terence Higgins Trust launched a campaign promoting safe sex at the 2012 Olympics highlighting that competitors used 90,000 condoms at the Sydney Olympics and 250,000 condoms at the Winter Olympics in Utah two years later. The campaign scored an immediate victory when the London Olympics organisers confirmed that the cartoon characters in the new logo are fully protected. There is now wild speculation as to what those winter Olympians have that their summer counterparts don't. Apart, of course, from those 160,000 extra condoms.

(With thanks to diamond geezer for planting the lovely image of cartoon frolicking in what's left of my mind).

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The first eviction night on UK Big Brother 8 has been suspended due to Emily Parr's removal from the Big Brother House for saying a racially offensive word. The series is under threat following other inmates saying the unsayable - "Actually the Apprentice is more interesting and would have been a better long term career move but then I'm not really qualified to get on it."

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Rod Stewart performed for the Queen at St James's Palace in London in aid of the Royal National Institute for the Blind. He dedicated a song to his fiancee, Penny Lancaster, and denied rumours that either of them are a beneficiary of this particular charity.

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Wednesday 6 June 2007

It's Wednesday, so it's spelling test day at school for my 8 year old daughter. This week the words are:

quit
quarter
quite
quarrel
quiet
quaint
quickly
quack
quest
quality
question
quantity

The new half term starts with a Q. The 17th letter of the Latin alphabet that wonderfully guarantees how u spell the next letter. I, therefore, offer an alternative Q spelling list:

qadi
qanat
qasida
qawwal
qawwali
qi
qiana
qibla
qigong
qin
qintar
qiviut
qwerty

Many thanks to Arabic, Chinese and Albanian cultures and, of course, 19th century American ingenuity which solved mechanical engineering deficiencies subsequently leading to global typing inefficiency.

Monday 4 June 2007

With the barbecue smoke just about clearing and digestive systems recovering from charred, semi-cooked sausages, the brand new week starts in the UK. What could be making Really Huge News by the time Friday comes and us Brits are again contemplating the summer food poisoning challenge? Possibly the following:

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The 18th anniversary of the massacre in Tiananmen Square is marked by the USA reporting a record trade deficit with China. Commerce Secretary Carlos M. Gutierrez admits that the US administration is troubled by China's human rights records but "we just lurve all those cheap electronics, toys, having another country to blame for the world's environmental problems and isn't Peking Duck just yummy".

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The US authorities demonstrate support for World Environment Day when Paris Hilton goes to jail.

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Sweden's National Day is celebrated as a holiday for the third time since Sweden broke away from Denmark in 1523. Fredrik Reinfeldt, the Swedish Prime Minister, answers criticism of half-hearted celebration of national identity by retorting that many people in many countries pay homage with regular and frequent Ikea days especially when getting that thing they didn't have in stock last time.

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George W. Bush's visit to Poland is celebrated as a huge success in the White House as he flies home with a plumber to fix that blocked toilet in the Oval Office washroom.

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The Royal Academy Summer Exhibition VIP private view provides Academy members with an opportunity to closely examine the beauty and lines of the modern artistic greats on display - Kylie Minogue, Jemima Goldsmith and Claudia Schiffer.

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Katie Price's book launch exceeds all expectations when the title is revealed: "Harry Potter and The Publicity Hungry, Surgically Enhanced But Commercially Aware Model Come Singer Come TV Star Come Writer".

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George W. Bush addresses the press at the G8 Summit in Germany acknowledging his failure to make poverty history. He confesses that history was his weakest subject at school along with math, science, geography, reading, writing, spilling ... but he was real good at sport and being nice to Daddy's friends.

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England surprisingly concede their Euro 2008 qualifier against Estonia when they fail to turn up in Tallinn. Steve McClaren resigns admitting that he realised it had been a mistake for him to let David Beckham make the travel arrangements when the team arrived at an East Anglian Travel Inn.

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Friday 1 June 2007

With the week starting on Monday with a public holiday, it doesn't feel as though the weekend is imminent. Really Huge News, however, shows no respect to holidays and the world continues to turn. I, therefore, share some Really Huge News from the last few days as reported in the UK. For those of you reading this overseas somewhere, the UK is situated in northern Europe, just beside the Netherlands (fill in your own jokes related to reality TV formats and organ donation) and, thanks to global warming, has a sub-tropical climate, this week featuring rain and the occasional sunny period.

The REALLY HUGE NEWS this week is:


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Performance artist Mark McGowan ate corgi to protest at the British Royal Family's cruelty to animals. The choice of corgi was, of course, because of the Queen's world famous passion for this particular breed of dog. The reason for Mr McGowan's particular course of protest action becomes clear when you discover the email address detailed on his web site - chunkymark1974@yahoo.com

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Andy Coulson is the British Conservative party's new Director of Communications. Mr Coulson distinguished career in tabloid journalism will greatly assist him in his new role. Having edited the Sun newspaper's Bizarre column, he is fully prepared for policy discussions, and having edited the News Of The World newspaper, he is well placed to express views on the clean living Tory leadership. His CV would be complete if he had some close connection to Rupert Murdoch. Bingo! (And other tabloid gimmicks to come).

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Cows in New Zealand are producing skimmed milk. Apparently no interest from chunkymark1974.

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The Kominato Hotel Mikazuki in Japan is no longer the proud owner of two communal gold baths - one for men and one for women - each weighing 80 kilograms and worth 120 million yen. Mysteriously the male bath has disappeared. Interpol are seeking Ronnie Corbett after hotel management were reported as saying that the burglar had got clean away.

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The Sachertorte, the Austrian classic chocolate cake, is 175 years old. The Tesco sell by date is still next Monday.

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A 71 year old Japanese man has become the oldest person to climb Everest. He apparently celebrated at the summit by washing in a gold bath.

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42 is once again the answer to the meaning of life, the universe and everything. This time it is the age at which you are unable to accommodate technological innovation. As someone who uses complete words and punctuation in text messages, I find this hard to believe. Now all I need to do is to work out how to change the ribbon on this nice Blogger typewriter so that I can make sure my secret musings are legible.

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Gordon Brown has put Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows on his summer reading list. Gordon can't wait to see who comes out on top - the boyish, charming wizard who managed to make the Labour party electable again or the older, cunning, evil financial manipulator who most people have realised has increased the tax burden quite considerably and mortgaged the future by overuse of PFI funded initiatives. My guess - a draw.

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Microsoft has launched a coffee table computer. An immediate answer for those aged 42 plus.

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A US Patent and Trademark Office spokesperson expressed surprise at the concern expressed by Indian authorities at patents being issued covering the ancient art of yoga stating that he thought everyone knew that it all started in Jellystone Park. Smarter than your average patent attorney!

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Big Brother 8 started in the UK on Wednesday. All the contestants are female, so far, and, as far as we know, have all their organs in perfect working order with the obvious exception of their brains. I, of course, will only be watching in case there is any Really Huge News and to save you the need to do so yourself. As an aside, I'd like to scotch the rumour that I am Sam and Amanda, the 18 year old twins - combined (clearly the hope of Channel 4 producers) they are not in the 42 plus club.

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Ewa Sowinska, the Polish spokesperson for children's rights, has been hit by a lawsuit following her call for Tinky Winky to be investigated for promoting a gay lifestyle. Jerry Falwell's estate is suing for unauthorised use of intellectual property quoting US Patent # 666 issued to Mr Falwell covering Tellytubby related homophobic ranting.

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