Wednesday 11 July 2007

It's Wednesday and spelling test day at school for my 8 year old daughter. This week the words are:

altogether
sum
total
group
multiple
times
difference
minus
subtract
divide
remainder
share

Yes, vocabulary for calculations. In recognition of the wonderful clarity provided by arithmetic, I offer my alternative spelling list:

French
bill
addition
below
steam engine
subtraction
many
folds
multiplication
parliamentary
vote
division

Where would we be without the "method of the Indians" or Count von Count?

Monday 9 July 2007

Having spent the weekend wondering trying to remember the name of that yellow, shiny, hot object in the sky, the brand new week starts in the UK. What could be making Really Huge News by the time Friday comes and those of us who are superstitious are hiding in bed under the duvet? Possibly the following:

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Stella McCartney's Second Life protest picnic against the fur trade is disrupted when virtual ants swarm over the virtual food and virtual wasps terrorise the picnickers.

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The UK launch of Justin Timberlake's new clothing line is a huge success with jeans that cost US$211 in the USA selling for £12.50 due to the pound soaring against the US dollar.

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World Population Day passes most of the world's population by.

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The Queen celebrates the 25th anniversary of a man breaking into her bedroom and spending ten minutes talking with her by having another short conversation with Prince Philip.

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The anniversary of the 2006 World Cup Final is marked by Zinedane Zidane apologising to Marco Materazzi by sending Signor Materazzi two hogsheads of red wine, an archery target, a pork shoulder and a picture of a footballer who has played for Manchester United and Newcastle.

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Druids descend on New York on one of the two days a year when sunset and sunrise align with Manhattan's street grid. The Archdruid comments that it is a once in a lifetime opportunity to go shopping with such a beneficial exchange rate.

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The second UK postal workers strike arrives a couple of days later than scheduled having stopped mail delivery in Belgium.

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Polish President Lech Kaczynski and Ukraine President Viktor Yushchenko announce that the construction contracts for Euro 2012 football championships are not awarded to English contractors because their bids did not comply with the penalty provisions.

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The Thai Supreme Court clears Thaksin Shinawatra of corruption charges but commits him for psychiatric assessment following his purchase of Manchester City football club.

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A surprise result in the Indian presidential election when the electoral college vote for Jade Goody.

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Friday 6 July 2007

As the week draws to a close and families start to wonder what they'll do without an episode of Dr Who to enjoy, it's time to look back on recent happenings.

The REALLY HUGE NEWS this week is:

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The Bank of England's decision to increase interest rates combined with accelerating property prices means that the total cost of buying an average house over a typical 25 year mortgage term is now so high that shockingly it's reached the level of two weeks wages for a Premier League footballer.

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Jade Goody has been banned from driving for six months after being spotted by traffic police "acting confused" at a zebra crossing while listening to Michael Jackson.

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Dr Who fans have attacked the announcement of the Dr's new assistant with loud cries of "Extermitate, Extermitate, Extermitate".

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The Nepalese living goddess who was sacked for visiting the USA rejected accusations that she had been tainted by her trip and offered to prove her divinity by feeding a multitude with five Colonel Crispy Strip buckets and two Filet-O-Fish and turning water into bottled water.

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The thirty individuals who won a contest to destroy bathrooms and bedrooms in a Madrid hotel expressed their pride at getting the hotel just right for the imminent hordes of summer holidaymakers from Britain.

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The Worcestershire cave home auctioned for £100,000 has been put back on the market. The buyer explained that she understood that there'd be no electricity or water supply but hadn't realised that bin collections were once a fortnight.

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An investigation has revealed that the main technical secret leaked by Ferrari's team manager to McLaren's chief designer was the design details of a special tool enabling supercars to navigate speed bumps.

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The administrators of bankrupt and relegated Leeds United Football Club have warned that the club may not start next season. Fans celebrate anticipating far fewer losses than last season.

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President Bush continuing his mastery of right and wrong commuted the prison sentence of Lewis Libby for perjury and obstructing justice. Handed a get out of jail free card, "Scooter" Libby thanked George W. for his help and for standing by his friends, a sentiment echoed by the bin Laden family.

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Gordon Brown has lifted restrictions on flying the national flag on government buildings. Public authorities now have a choice of the Cross of St. Andrew and the Stars and Stripes.

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Wednesday 4 July 2007

It's Wednesday and spelling test day at school for my 8 year old daughter. This week the words are:

second
minute
hour
millilitre
litre
millimetre
centimetre
metre
kilometre
gram
kilogram
degrees Celcius

Units of measurement. Important stuff, which is why I offer my alternative spelling list:

demi
standard
magnum
jeroboam
rehoboam
imperial
methusalah
salmanazer
balthazar
nebuchadnezzar
solomon
primat

My twelve year old son tells me that the only unit of measurement worth contemplating is the number of days until the summer holidays.



13 and counting.

Monday 2 July 2007

Having realised this weekend that half the year has gone and next year's New Year resolutions are now closer than those made/kept/broken/ignored/laughed at (delete as appropriate) this year, the brand new week starts in the UK. What could be making Really Huge News by the time Friday comes and there are only 172 shopping days to Christmas. Possibly the following:

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The vote for the world's New Seven Wonders closes with the favourites for the top seven being:

Stevie Wonder
Golden Wonder
Wonderwall
Wonder Woman
Wonderbra
One Hit Wonders
The O J Simpson murder trial verdict

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Nicolas Sarkozy faces the first challenge of his presidency when the French public protest that the part of France given the honour of holding the Tour de France's opening event is London.

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McDonalds marks the 53rd anniversary of the end of food rationing in the UK by launching the new McDiet Burger containing the same number of calories as one week's rations.

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July 4 sees the usual celebrations around the world as employees of US multinational companies enjoy their day of independence from corporate headquarters.

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The European Commission announces new European Union wine rules. In a noble sacrifice to help reduce the wine lake, it is now mandatory for EU civil servants to drink an additional two bottles of wine with lunch every day.

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The International Olympic Committee announce that the impact of global climate change was the main consideration in choosing the frozen flood plains of Yorkshire as the venue for the XXII Olympic Winter Games in 2014.

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In Spain officials save the centuries old Pamplona festival, solving the bull shortage problems by inviting the G8 leaders to talk about what has been achieved in the two years since they promised to Make Poverty History.

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The new Fiat cinquecento launch sees Fiat UK deny that the car's name reflects anticipated sales figures.

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Preparations for the 787 Dreamliner debut in Everett, Washington State, USA, jet ahead with officials and guests being flown by Ryanair, Boeing's launch partner, into Ronald Reagan Washington National Airport.

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Friday 29 June 2007

As the week draws to a close and finger nails are just about clean of Glastonbury mud, it's time to look back on recent happenings.

The REALLY HUGE NEWS this week is:

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Gordon Brown has become the third prime minister of Queen Elizabeth II's reign not to have won a general election. Tony Blair became Liz's fourth prime minister to leave by resigning rather than losing a general election. As ever, one step ahead of Gordon.

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Meanwhile Tony Blair has launched his personal website featuring this rather fetching picture:

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The launch of IBM's Blue Gene/P, the world's fastest supercomputer capable of performing 1,000 trillion calculations per second, went horribly wrong when it permanently crashed trying to answer a question about whether it's right for the Spice Girls to reform.

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Andy Murray's Wimbledon no-show meant the re-instatement of Tiger Tim and Henman Hill. The tabloids rejoiced with Alliterative Awfulness only for Desperate Defeat in the Second Round.

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Polish magazine Wprost has come under fire for its front page picture mock-up of Angela Merkel breastfeeding twin brothers - the president and prime minister of Poland. The editors immediately apologised, admitting their ignorance of EU milk quotas.

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iPhone mania has hit the USA. Greg Packer has been queuing outside the Manhattan Apple store since Monday to get an iPhone the moment it is released. David Clayman is just behind Mr Packer and Steve Jobs is third in line as the iPhone is so popular this is the only way he's sure of getting one.

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Reports this week reveal that the CIA plotted with the Mafia to overthrow Castro, investigated John Lennon and conspired to make Simon Cowell reinstate Louis Walsh as a judge on The X Factor.

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Paris Hilton told the world that being in prison changed her beyond belief. Mis Hilton failed to mention that this was because the Governor ensured she changed her clothes, her hairstyle, and her jewellery.

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Judge Roy Pearson lost his US$54 million claim for damages resulting from Custom Cleaners allegedly mislaying a pair of his trousers. His plans to appeal have been put on hold along with his calls about keeping his position in the judiciary.

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The police investigating the cash for honours allegations paid for a porn star to fly from California to the UK to help with their inquiries. The police officers involved remember little about their meeting with Courtney Coventry but say that it was an honour for which they were happy to pay cash.

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