Really Huge News

Friday 7 September 2007

2007-09-07T20:40:00.000Z

A couple of Stanford University students thought they had a pretty neat idea about a new fangled thing called the internet. They were doing their doctorates and thought that the method used by the then prevalent search engines, like Altavista, could be bettered. Rather than ranking results according to the number of times the item being searched appeared on a page, they reckoned that a ranking system based on the relationships between websites would produce better results. So the search engine called Backrub was born.

Fortunately Larry Page and Sergey Brin decided to rename their creation otherwise we'd be telling our kids to research their school projects by "Backrubbing". Instead we have Google which was incorporated as a company nine years ago today.

Mr Page and Mr Brin's simple concept has evolved into a corporation with a stock market value of US$162B. Yup one hundred and sixty-two billion US dollars. Now how many US$162B ideas have you had? It's not enough to have a genius idea. The key is actually making things happen in the way that was intended. This statement of the obvious seems less obvious when you see reports of companies like the Royal Mail. Their premium postage service called "Recorded Delivery" may not be what it seems. An official intriguingly advises that "It is operationally impossible to keep records of items sent by recorded delivery".

Google's genius was not the original idea. It was following through, supported by a company philosophy that provides a meaningful and clear framework for action. The famous Google Ten Things are:

1. Focus on the user and all else will follow.
2. It's best to do one thing really, really well.
3. Fast is better than slow.
4. Democracy on the web works.
5. You don't need to be at your desk to need an answer.
6. You can make money without doing evil.
7. There's always more information out there.
8. The need for information crosses all borders.
9. You can be serious without a suit.
10. Great just isn't good enough.

The mission/vision/values industry in companies chews up hundreds of hours in their creation, communication and, most of the time, in water cooler derision by those whose behaviour they're meant to drive. The Google way, albeit not perfect, shows that genuine simplicity can enable extraordinary results. I intend applying this approach to the following business concepts (all rights reserved):

* Fizzy Chicken - burpilicious low fat fast food
* Pimp My Pimple - the TV makeover show for teenagers
* My FaceSpace - a social network integrator utility

So Happy Birthday Google and what's three times US$162B?

Wednesday 5 September 2007

2007-09-05T13:50:00.000Z

Kids safely delivered to school, there is now the space to focus on my own activities. The last six weeks have been great. Largely taken up with our holiday travels, meeting up with family and friends, and various outings. It is now time, however, to take stock of the opportunities ahead. Assess what needs to be done - tax return is heading to the top of the list. Resurrect memories of pre-holiday conversations - what exactly did I promise JS on the phone at the same time as I was digging out the passports? And take action.

This provides a host of distraction opportunities. Cups of tea are always a good one. Sorting out my office is another. I've been meaning to dig out that old bookcase from the garage. Surplus to requirements, it has been gathering dust and discarded items over the last year. It should fit in the corner of my office, provided I move things round a bit.

Two hours later, it does and it's great. A bit of a distraction from that focus thing. The moving things round a bit rapidly evolved into an a more significant range of activities. Deciding which books should be housed in the newly dusted bookcase became a wider assessment of which books deserve house room. And then the discovery that the shredder no longer shreds. And do I really need that unused Rolodex, much though I love the design? And ...

The random pile of stuff for the charity shop now totters along side the stuff for re-cycling next to the front door.

The vacuum cleaner is beckoned by the fall-out from the book sorting, furniture moving and the shredder waste bag. The noise associated with all my activities causes my wife, a fellow home worker, to move into a distant corner of the house. Ironic since I was resurrecting my office in a retreat from my summer invasion of her terrain.

The morning has gone. Along with four cups of tea, a houmous filled bagel and some difficult literary farewells (and some easy ones - The "Timewaster Letters" complies fully with the Trades Description Act). Much is left to do. The visit to the charity shop, the gym, keeping up with my Facebook social obligations and the kids return from their first day back at school. And some work stuff.

So my tax return has not been done. I know now, however, that it will be done more quickly and easily than if part of my brain was still occupied by office resurrection planning. I also know that positively channeled energy results in more energy and more action. Now if only I could think of what to put in my blog.

Monday 3 September 2007

2007-09-03T14:40:00.000Z

It's the biggest thing on the internet. Unfortunately. It comes in wave after wave. It's annoying, boring and tedious. The evil spam. The email kind not the meat "treat".

Presumably there is a financial reward for generating huge volumes of emails and sending them randomly into the ether. If not, they would have dried up and gone away. Except for those that are aiming to infect computers and use them for ill got and gain. Or obtain some sort of weird thrill.

I had a quick scan at the emails that my spam filters caught. I also looked at those that evaded the filtering process. I couldn't work out the difference. Overall, however, they fall into three categories as the following example email subject lines demonstrate:

Category 1 - Tempting

You have new mail from Olga

Didn't I know an Olga once? Maybe I'd like to know an Olga? Lets have a look at what she sent me.

This video rocks

How did the sender know that my hobby and passion is geology?

Funny ecard

Excellent. I need some jokes I can borrow for my blog.

u are so nice, dear

This is so, so true. I implicitly trust where this link will take me.

I have numerous other examples of the Tempting spam category that I could mention. I think it best that I save you from temptation.

Category 2 - Improving

don't get left behind

Oh no. I'm at risk of getting left behind. I'd better see how I can keep up.

can you imagine that you are healthy?

I can. But what if there is something horrible lurking unannounced within my body. What does my nocturnal bathroom visit really mean? Did I have that mole yesterday? Needing to drink twelve cans of Red Bull every day is normal, isn't it?

hey man, stop throwing away your money

Come to think of it, our holiday was somewhat expensive. Actually very expensive for someone not in full time employment. And then there's all that back to school stuff.

become fit and happy again

When was it that I was both fit and happy at the same time. Oh yes. Childhood memories are always so, what's the word? Confusing? No. Misleading? No. Selective? No. Confusing.

I have numerous other examples of the Improving spam category that I could mention. I don't think you want me to go to those lengths.

Category 3 - Weird

cradlers

I have cradled many a baby, particularly two very special ones. Now they are twelve and eight, my cradling needs have diminished thank you.

mollison

I think there is a Mollison Way in north-west London. I'm not totally sure. The spelling might not be the same. In any case, I have no pressing need to go there.

effisant

It's words like effisant that annoy me. I'm enjoying a book and some smarty pants author sends me to the dictionary to discover how well read I am not. Frankly, you've turned me off.

kkuhsuos

Now you're just being silly.

If I want weird. I can just follow this link.

Friday 31 August 2007

2007-08-31T21:25:00.000Z

Some people view the end of August as the end of summer. Others see it as the gate to the new school year. Football fans, however, monitor the gossip, rumour and minute-by-minute reports of which club may buy which player. The football transfer window closes at midnight tonight and the opportunity for dazzling commercial skill to mightily influence your team's season goes away until January.

Dazzling commercial skill? Not really what goes through football fans' minds. No. Which team got which player or which team didn't get which player or the sums of money involved and, most important of all, the success, or failure, of "my team". That's the stuff that matters.

All these things do matter and play through my mind as I grapple with the 38th year of supporting my team. It is interesting, however, to reflect on the very public displays of commercial capability provided by the transfer market.

Take the case of Daniel Alves of Sevilla. An extremely talented and accomplished Brazilian international right-back. He plays for a pretty good Spanish club on a pretty good deal. He, and his advisors, believe he should achieve better to fullfil both his footballing and commercial possibilities. The answer is, therefore, to move to a club playing at the highest level and with very deep pockets. Who could be better than Chelsea bankrolled by Russian billionaire Roman Abramovich?

Take the case of Chelsea Football Club. Close to being the best team in Europe if not the world. Close isn't good enough. What needs to change? A few things including filling that troublesome right-back position but also not spending quite so much of Mr Abramovich's money. So how to achieve both? Why not sell one player to fund the purchase of another (Daniel Alves)?

Take the case of Sevilla. A successful team but not quite up there with the best in Spain (Real Madrid and Barcelona). To make the move up to the next level will require significant investment and risk. Keeping a player that no longer wants to be at the club is not helpful. Maybe selling at a huge price is the answer? Who better to pay a huge price than Chelsea?

Seems like fertile ground for doing a deal. You'd think ....

12 months ago Sevilla were reported as being prepared to sell Mr Alves to Liverpool Football Club for £12M. That deal did not go through. Liverpool did not match Sevilla's valuation - they were reported to be 15% off. This summer Chelsea offered £21.5M. 80% above Sevilla's 2006 asking price. But this did not match Sevilla's 2007 £27M valuation.

Reports in the press indicated that it was only a matter of time before Sevilla and Chelsea agreed a price. Geronimo Suarez, Mr Alves's agent, was confident that a deal would be done.

The day after Sevilla rejected the £21.5M offer, Chelsea signed Juliano Belletti, a Brazilian international right-back, from Barcelona for £4M. A good player albeit heading towards the end of his career.

No deal for Sevilla. No deal for Daniel Alves. An acceptable deal for Chelsea.

It's clear that all is not well with Sevilla and Mr Alves as he did not join the team when they traveled to Greece for a key match against AEK Athens. Jose Maria Del Nido, Sevilla's president, is quoted as saying "Daniel Alves has shown a complete lack of respect towards his colleagues and the organisation by refusing to travel with the club that pays him."

Theoretically Sevilla could sell Mr Alves before midnight but it would be damage limitation rather than any considered strategy. Only Chelsea is ok with the situation. Only Chelsea demonstrated the basic understanding of what those children of the Harvard Negotiation Project, Think! Inc and Vantage Partners respectively call "Consequences of No Agreement (CNA)" and "Best Alternative To Negotiated Agreement (BATNA)". What you and I might crudely call having options or a "Plan B".

This basic but fundamental commercial strategy is too frequently ignored in the headlong rush to work a deal. Or there is an the arrogant belief that, come what may, one side's negotiating power, skill or influence will prevail. Or there's not enough knowledge or it's too scary to contemplate possible failure and, therefore, alternatives. Or because the planning stuff takes too much time and just gets in the way. Or any combination of these factors.

Plan B is not a new concept. After all, just over 400 years ago management consultant Shakespeare penned the immortal phrase "To B or Not To B".

Wednesday 29 August 2007

2007-08-29T22:41:00.000Z

My mother celebrates her 78th birthday today. There were celebratory comments, birthday cake (Cranks recipe, baked with my fair hands - honest it was the wholemeal flour and raw brown sugar that gave it the texture and dark colour) and X-factor standard tuneful renditions of "Happy Birthday" renditions. Additionally, her age triggered comments about and memories of gramophone records that traveled at 78 revolutions a minute.

This nostalgic moment in turn triggered thoughts about the vinyl albums stached away somewhere at the back of our garage. Unplayed for well over a decade. In any case, not capable of being played since our then 10 month old son decided that it would be fun to test the tensile strength of the pick-up arm on our turntable.

This in turn led to thoughts about our old analogue camcorder and the tapes that we know we can play as long as we can use the camcorder itself for playback. Not the most reliable method for long term viewing. We treasure the images of our children when they were very young more than being able to play my once treasured Top of the Pops compilation album featuring classics like "Chirpy Chirpy Cheep Cheep" and "Back Off Boogaloo" - click on the links and you'll understand fully. We need to work out how to transfer to a current media format. And then keep current as formats and software programs evolve, shift and change.

The real challenge is staying on top of things and deciding which trend or trends to bet on. Would loading the images on YouTube be a good bet? Maybe relying upon Google's commercial interest in keeping YouTube going would be good? Or maybe Google will pull the plug if they do not get the right return on their US$1.65B investment? Or maybe the best thing is to cover the bases and chooses a number of options?

Realistically, what will happen is that for most people nothing much will happen until such time as the underlying problem surfaces. Then it may be that a solutions is readily available and cost-effective. Or shrugs of shoulders, possibly tears and a realisation that something has been lost for ever.

Tempting to consider the many parallels in terms of personal and societal development. Or maybe an interesting commercial opportunity not only on the technology front but also, and possibly more significantly, on an individual service level. I just need to have another slice of birthday cake and then I can think about it.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MUM!

Monday 27 August 2007

2007-08-27T21:10:00.000Z

It was tempting fate. Weeks ago, before the full extent of the autumnal summer weather was known, we arranged with friends to meet up for a picnic over the August bank holiday weekend. Ordinarily it should be sufficient for a bank holiday weekend to summon cold and wet weather. This summer, traditional bank holiday weather has taken over as the norm with household after household weakening and firing up the central heating weeks before it would usually be switched on. So contemplating a picnic was really a flight of fancy rather than any serious thinking. A nod to summer promises and delights rather than reality.

Last week the time came to plan the day. Prudently we agreed to meet up at the Albert Memorial. Not to provide any shelter from the rain as it is fenced off from the public. But to provide easy access to the open spaces of Kensington Gardens and Hyde Park - maintaining the illusion that we would be dining al fresco - as well as the indoor picnicking areas in the nearby Science, Natural History and Victoria & Albert museums where obviously the weather would banish us.

But something strange happened. Maybe it was two negatives (v.poor summer weather plus traditional bank holiday weather) making a positive. The day was glorious as can be seen here.

A sky for the album and many thanks to F, H, B, T, C, F & M for a fabulous day.

Friday 24 August 2007

2007-08-24T19:05:00.000Z

Not sure how they found it. Not sure that they know how they found it. But my 12 year old son and 8 year old daughter were in hysterics in front of the family computer in our living room last night. My son came into the kitchen and tried to persuade me to see their latest find on YouTube. He gave a rendition of what seemed to be the Crazy Frog. I naturally declined the invitation and went about my chores.

My kids' laughter blended with the sound of my wife chuckling and enticed me into the living room. Not the Crazy Frog after all but something far more sophisticated and intelligent.

Ring ring ring ring ring ring ring
Banana phone
Ring ring ring ring ring ring ring
Banana phone

The title track of Raffi's 1994 album. As you immediately recognised.

I've got this feeling
so appealing
for us to get together and sing - SING!

Hard to believe but you're already trapped. You have to sing...

Ring ring ring ring ring ring ring
Banana phone
Ding dong ding dong ding dong ding
Donana phone

It may be against your better judgement but you have to sing...

It grows in bunches
I've got my hunches
It's the best
beats the rest
cellular modular
interactivodular

Your feet are tapping, simple joy invades your heart...

It's no baloney
It aint a phony
My cellular
Bananular phone

It's inside your skull. You know it will bounce around, stay awhile, disappear, then surface when least expected or wanted. It's melding with your DNA...

Don't need quarters
don't need dimes
to call a friend of mine
don't need computer or tv
to have a real good time
I'll call for pizza
I'll call my cat
I'll call the Whitehouse, have a chat
I'll place a call around the world
Operator get me Beijing jing jing jing

So far, so annoying ...

Ring ring ring ring ring ring ring
Banana phone
Ying yang ying yang ying yang ying
Yanana phone
It's a real live mama and papa phone
a brother and sister and a dogaphone
a grandpa phone and a grandma phone too - oh yeah
my cellular bananular phone

And on it goes ...

Banana phone
ring... ring... ring...
It's a phone with appeal
Banana phone
ring... ring... ring...
Now you can have your phone and eat it too
Banana phone
ring... ring... ring...
This song drives me .... bananas

One of those family bonding moments. A shared, joyful experience. A reference that can be brought out later, maybe only for us to get. If you've got this far, maybe this is something that you are wishing that I'd kept to the confines of my family. Except...

Fifteen hours later, whilst enduring the joyful back to school shopping, my daughter and I walk into a major department store (never knowingly trendy) as two teenage girls walk out singing... YES ... The Bananaphone Song. Another moment to treasure. Another moment for my daughter to seek out my mobile phone (non-fruit) to call her brother.

It's moments like these that add to life's richness. Not the only route - some have faith, some commit their lives to causes, some submerge themselves in activities - but a path that consciously or subconsciously provides meaning to more and more people. Businesses try to capitalise on this with attempts at viral marketing but many miss the point.

You have to be there. You have to be in a position where you can connect. You need to be aware. The drive to reduce costs in the business world means doing more and more virtually, means cutting back on headcount and putting tight travel, internet use and mobile phone restrictions on those who remain. This, however, pulls organisations and individuals away from the interesting action. The terrain where the next connection may be made or the spark for the next innovation ignited. The solution is clear.

Issue everyone with a Bananaphone.

Wednesday 22 August 2007

2007-08-22T10:05:00.000Z

The USA is launching A-Space, a social networking site for spies, in December. This follows the CIA using Facebook as a recruitment tool earlier this year.

I am sure a number of eyebrows will be raised - one in the case of Roger Moore's James Bond. Where will all this lead? Virtual secret agents in Second Life? The "War On Terror" being executed in World of Warcraft? Or maybe mission (if you choose to accept it) instructions on self-delete iPod downloads?

I am equally sure this will trigger commentary about government organisations jumping on bandwagons. Investing in items of young people's fashion rather than in tried and tested resources that will get the job done. But it is this awkward thing of getting the job done that deciphers any mystery about why the US Director of National Intelligence has contemplated taking this step into social networking. The nature of the "War On Terror" means that conventional, tried and tested, tools have already proven themselves to be leaden footed in connecting the relevant pieces of information to, for instance, identify the relevance of people training to fly aircraft without concentrating on the taking off or landing bits.

So in your business, in your career, are the conventional, tried and tested, tools still sufficient? I suspect not and if my suspicion is correct and you are not naturally drawn to the likes of Myspace, Facebook, and Bebo, then I strongly suggest you push yourself to them. Not to establish a double identity or to spy on those people you know or used to know but to learn and to earn your equivalent of double-O rating.

Sean would, of course, no longer wear a hat!

Monday 20 August 2007

2007-08-20T20:30:00.000Z

Having used all of the available techniques to counteract the effects of jet lag, I pondered many important matters as I lay wide awake at 2 am this morning.

The last ten days or so have seen some significant, possibly momentous, movements in the world stock markets as the edict, popularised by Milton Friedman, "there is no such thing as a free lunch" once again comes to haunt those bank employees who had been enjoying their expense accounts. The term "real economy" used in many commentaries, for example in "will the decline in the FTSE have any effect in the real economy?" intriguingly suggested a virtual world occupied by surreal financial avatars. I guess there is some truth in this given their unreal end of year bonuses.

Hurricane Dean has been battering everything in its path across the Caribbean giving cause for concern for the thousands of families who give little concern about booking holidays in the hurricane season in a hurricane basin.

A tool was launched revealing many organisations who edit Wikipedia. At best this is mere fluffery of any entry related to the editor and is bad form. At worst it is misleading as everyone treats internet information as gospel. Religious texts the Wikipedia of their day? Discuss.

A sixty year old Australian woman has been a victim of an unwelcome sexual assault by her pet camel. Somewhat sad, a horrible way to die but maybe not the best choice of pet? (Please note and applaud the deliberate avoidance of any reference to humps).

The compact disc celebrated its 25th birthday with the download poised to make it of historic interest like the wax cylinder, the gramophone record, the 8-track cassette and Leo Sayer.

The 24 hour direct action against British Airports Authority at London Heathrow Airport by environmental activists who demonstrated their commitment by braving inclement weather, being on the receiving end of police measures brought in as part of the "War Against Terror" and spending the best part of a week inhaling airplane jet engine exhaust fumes.

The floods in South Asia continue and affect over 28 million people. The scale is unimaginably vast and horrific yet results in a much smaller emotional impact in the UK than the local floods last month which affected two per cent of this figure. More proof of the journalistic dictum of the importance of proximity.

The X-Factor has returned to British television. Once again I missed the auditions. Once again my family heave a sigh of relief.

Manchester United have made their worst start to a football season for fifteen years. Wondering through the mists of schadenfreude, is this the result of bad luck, over confidence or the pressure from television to start the season before new school uniforms have been bought?

Rightly or wrongly these matters just flit in and out of my mind without sticking for any real consideration. However, one thing does spin round and round without reaching resolution. Having spent a very enjoyable day with close friends at Lord's Cricket Ground watching Durham and Hampshire contest the Friends Provident Trophy final, I am left wondering whether first class cricket has ever seen the like of Ottis Gibson's performance - a six off the first ball he faced and a wicket with the first ball he bowled. Has it? Please put me out of my misery and let me know.

Friday 17 August 2007

2007-08-17T06:30:00.000Z

So the week is about to draw to a close or has it done so already? Yes the joys of jet lag. The clock says one thing and your body mumbles something completely different. It's time for REALLY HUGE NEWS to look at jet lag cures:

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Accupressure

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Targeting exposure to natural light to reset your body clock

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Or use modern technology with the Jetlag Light Visor™

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Melatonin

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Alternating protein and carbohydrate meals

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Self-hypnosis

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Using the JetLag® Watch

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Electro-shock therapy

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Homeopathy

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Best of all there's always the Paul McKenna approach, as revealed by investigative journalist Russell Brand on his Radio 2 show, which involves consuming large quantities of alcohol.

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Spoilt for choice, I think I'll try and get back to sleep.

Wednesday 15 August 2007

2007-08-15T00:23:00.000Z

In the olden days "being Shanghaied" meant being coerced to work on board a ship. Prevalent in the 19th century there is some suspicion that it continues, particularly in countries whose biggest export is people. But nowadays visiting Shanghai it is not immediately evident that you're visiting a communist country. So Really Huge News decided to be Shanghaied as follows:

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Starting off with the Maglev train from the airport - the fastest train in the world at 266 mph.

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Recovering from extreme speed with cocktails at M on the Bund.

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Seeing the sights from the Jin Mao tower.

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Going all cultural at the Shanghai Museum.

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Being at the centre of things in People's Square.

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Flying kites in Century Park (Shiji Gongyuan).

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Going under water with the fish at Aquaria 21.

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Being at one with nature at the Shanghai Natural Wild Insect Kingdom.

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Enjoying Shanghai fusion food at Shanghai Uncle.

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Strolling along the Bund.

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Only the plane ticket for the return home triggers thoughts of being Shanghaied in the old fashioned way. Guess it's time to go.

Monday 13 August 2007

2007-08-13T11:15:00.000Z

The train from Hong Kong to Shanghai takes 24 hours. Traveling through the Chinese countryside and experiencing the way on which most Chinese travel long distance is fascinating. After a while, however, stimulation additional to seeing another farm, town, bicycle, or mountain is required. Other things to do on a Chinese train include:

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Make tea with the copious quantities of hot water available on tap.

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Slurp noodles.

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Develop rubber legs after drinking Maotai.

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Read Paul Theroux's "Riding The Iron Rooster"

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Playing mahjong.

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Tearing 12 year old son away from PSP to truly experience the journey.

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Tearing oneself away from listening to iPod.

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Apologising to fellow travellers for laughing too loudly at Russell Brand on my iPod.

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Trying to bridge the communication and cultural barriers.

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Realising that I've just ordered chicken feet and jellyfish for dinner.

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More Moutai please!

Friday 10 August 2007

2007-08-10T10:08:00.000Z

Chinese food is, of course, the most popular cuisine in the world. 1.3 billion Chinese people make it hard for any other food to get a look in despite McDonalds' various attempts at world culinary domination. Maybe after another decade of the Chinese economic boom?

REALLY HUGE NEWS has put its stomach lining on the line, ignoring the Typhoon storm warning 8, and recommends the following:

***** Shaomai
***** Sea cucumber
***** Sea slugs
***** Snake
***** Wonton noodle
***** Egg tart
***** Hundred year egg
***** Cha siu baau
***** Hot and sour soup
***** Beggar's chicken

Missing from the list is, of course, that authentic American creation - the fortune cookie.

Wednesday 8 August 2007

2007-08-08T09:35:00.000Z

Really Huge New has been charged with further investigation into the use of chopsticks. Where better to explore than China? Where better to start in China than Hong Kong now that Harry Ramsden's is a dim and distant memory in that part of the world?

Ten world leading things about Hong Kong:

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Hong Kong has more Rolls-Royce motor cars per capita than anywhere else in the world.

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Hong Kong's skyline ranks number one in the world in terms of its visual impact.

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Hong Kong ranks number one in the world index of economic freedom.

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Hong Kong is the world's most expensive city for rental accommodation.

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Hong Kong Island is the site of the world's longest escalator system stretches 800 metres between Central and Mid-Levels.

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Hong Kong has the world's largest multi-storey industrial building in one structure with 866,000 square metres of floor area.

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Hong Kong's airport has the world's largest airport terminal building. It has an area of 564,000 square metres (or more than one football pitch) and is 1.3 kilometres long.

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Hong Kong has more skyscrapers than any other city with 7,660 and counting.

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The world's biggest floating restaurant floats in Aberdeen Harbour, Hong Kong Island.

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Hong Kong celebrated having the world's most expensive toilet.

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Where better to enjoy Cantonese cuisine?

Monday 6 August 2007

2007-08-06T07:22:00.000Z

Malaysian cuisine is not the most famous in the world. Really Huge News' taste buds recommend the following:

***** Nasi Lemak
***** Beef Rendang
***** Sambal Udang
***** Ayam Masak Merah
***** Laksa
***** Mee Jawa
***** Ikan Bakar
***** Kolo Mee
***** Ketupat
***** Nasi kunyit

Islam is the official religion of Malaysia. It is, however, legal to obtain alcohol in most locations. Carlsberg and Guinness both have breweries in Malaysia, although Carlsberg was prevented from sponsoring the Malaysian hosted 1998 Commonwealth Games.

After extensive taste testings, Really Huge News's memory and vision only stretch to the following five recommendations:

***** Guinness
***** Singha Beer
***** Tiger Beer
***** Carlsberg Beer
***** San Miguel Beer

And their nationalities:

***** Irish
***** Thai
***** Singaporean
***** Danish
***** Filipino

RHN's search for truly local beer continues ... or maybe sobering up to catch the next flight will take priority.

Friday 3 August 2007

2007-08-03T11:35:00.000Z

As the week draws to a close, REALLY HUGE NEWS can reveal the following in depth summer research:

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A cheaper, and probably temporary, alternative to tattoos can be achieved by applying sun tan lotion on your skin in patterns. This allows the design of your choice to show through in only a few hours of tropical sun. Even less if the part of your body selected has never seen the sun before.

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Socks and sandals may be a fashion no no but they combine in a way to broadcast Britishness in a very effective manner. Particularly in a country that used to be part of the Empire.

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Sand can get sufficiently hot to create third degree burns.

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The chip shop aroma from the vinegar sachets in your first aid box is far better than being peed on to counteract jellyfish stings.

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Never arm wrestle an orangutan.

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Not even if the prize for winning the bet is really, really good.

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Sand can be an over efficient exfoliant.

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Never kiss an orangutan.

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Not even if the prize for winning the bet is really, really, really good.

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Orangutan's tongues can be an over efficient exfoliant.

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Wednesday 1 August 2007

2007-08-01T11:35:00.000Z

It's Wednesday and Really Huge News turns its attention to Borneo. It is frequently referred to as the only island shared by three countries - Indonesia, Malaysia and Brunei. Those of you from Wales or Scotland might disagree.

Why Borneo?:

***** Orangutan
***** Mangrove swamps
***** Rainforest
***** Mountains
***** Coral reefs
***** Biggest flower in the world
***** Wonderful birdlife
***** Headhunter history
***** Sea gypsies
***** The beaches

This might take some time to research properly.

Monday 30 July 2007

2007-07-30T04:55:00.000Z

Really Huge News embraces the summer silly season with in-depth analysis of key global issues. Admittedly in the swimming pool of investigative journalism Really Huge News is paddling in the shallow end of the baby and toddler section. So a brand new week and a look at a brand new country - Japan.

Ten important things to know about Japan:

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Puppy The World provides an essential dog rental service for those moments when you realise that walking a dog is the very thing missing from your world.

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Japan is the land of McVitie's purple digestive biscuit.

*****

Tokyo Metropolitan Central Wholesale Market is the biggest fish market in the world selling seafood at the rate of 2.2 million kilos per day and not a fish finger (fish stick for those of you in the USA) in sight. Having said that, Gorton's of Gloucester, the company that invented the fish finger, is now owned by Nippon Suisan Kaisha, Ltd.

*****

Cat lovers, frustrated at their inability to be pet owners due to the lack of space in modern Japanese apartment, can go to Cats Livin and spend an hour or two playing with the 18 or so cats on duty.

*****

Fugu chefs train for three years and pass rigorous written and practical tests before they are licensed to prepare this potentially lethal fish. The formal records state that 14 people died of blowfish poisoning between 2002 and 2006, similar to a major E.coli outbreak - what's your poison: fugu or hamburger?

*****

Japan has one vending machine for every twenty-three people. The range of products sold is vast with certain items achieving global notoriety. My favourites are the machines that dispense farm fresh eggs, live lobsters, french fries and rhinoceros beetles. My snack needs would be fully catered if I could only find that elusive fugu machine.

*****

Japan has given the world Karaoke but in a manner reminiscent of Cheddar cheese, the world now dominates Karaoke. It is the Finnish nation who run the Karaoke World Championship, the world karaoke record is held by 80,000 Finns who, overcome by Eurovision success, sang Hard Rock Hallelujah, and the patent for Karaoke machines is owned by a Filipino. In the meantime, the Japanese are happy singing their hearts out. Altogether now, "Lady in red ....".

*****

An urban myth is that post-war the Japanese modeled modern living on Hollywood films and that the lack of toilet scenes meant that this particular aspect of Japanese life lagged behind in the squat and pit days. Nowadays the Japanese are flushed with success. Their lavatories are the envy of the world whether they provide a heated sitting experience, the ultimate in cleansing arrangements or even medical sensors assessing blood sugar level, blood pressure or body fat content.

*****

The Japanese use 25 billion sets of chopsticks a year. My kids love Asian food and courtesy of an excellent Japanese restaurant in Oxford migrated to chopsticks with a little assistance - fold a small piece of paper a couple of times to create a slim paper wedge to put between the top of the chopsticks. Then wind a rubber band around the top of the chopsticks to hold them together and provide the ability to pinch the chopstick tips together. Kid friendly, trainer chopsticks. Fortunately for the environment, the Japanese do not use 25 billion rubber bands a year.

*****

Japanese golfers who achieve a hole in one are expected to throw a celebratory party and buy expensive presents for their caddy and fellow golfers. A bit more expensive than a round of drinks at the 19th hole. The prudent golfer, therefore, takes out hole in one insurance.

*****

Friday 27 July 2007

2007-07-27T09:10:00.000Z

The first week of the school summer holidays and much activity to get ready for the family holiday. Priorities vary as the following carry-on packing lists indicate:

8 Year Old Girl

Cuddly toy
Nintendo DS & games
Scrapbook
Glue
Cuddly toy
Pens
Pencils
Drawing paper
iPod

12 Year Old Boy

Sony PSP
iPod
Books
Notebook (Paper not computer)
Pens
Sketchbook
Camera

Parents

Sick bags
Changes of clothes
Medical kit
Tickets
Passports
Money
Credit Cards
Travellers Cheques
Blackberry
Notebook (computer not paper)
Mobile phones

Yes. It's the Generation Game.

Good Game. Good Game.

Wednesday 25 July 2007

2007-07-25T06:00:00.000Z

Politics in the USA took a technological and cultural step forward with the Democratic Party candidates for the 2008 presidential nomination fielding questions submitted online.

REALLY HUGE NEWS can reveal that questions submitted by YouTube users that were not used in the debate included:

*****

Who is David Beckham?

*****

What does his wife do?

*****

Do you have a passport?

*****

Have you traveled outside of continental USA?

*****

Which is your favourite character in Friends?

*****

How do you spell Darfur?

*****

Where is Darfur?

*****

Name one sport, other than baseball, that has claims to have a world championship where the participants come from only one country.

*****

Have you ever had a costume malfunction?

*****

What is YouTube?

*****

Monday 23 July 2007

2007-07-23T06:50:00.000Z

Having spent the weekend waiting for the Amazon delivery and then reaching page 607 as fast as possible, what could be making Really Huge News by the time Friday comes and by locking yourself away from television, radio, newspapers and all mankind you discover that Harry Potter survives/dies/runs away/kisses Voldemort (delete as appropriate)? Possibly the following:

*****

Prince Andrew and Sarah Ferguson get involved in a hugely emotional scene on the evening of what would have been their 21st wedding anniversary with Andy going toe to toe with Fergie's latest paramour.

*****

Jeffrey Archer notes the 20th anniversary of his record libel win against the Daily Star by reflecting that his reputation is as clear as the skin on his back.

*****

Monica Lewinsky celebrates her 34th birthday with a come as you are party. Bill Clinton declines his invitation but splashes out on a gift.

*****

Gordon Brown breaks open the Irn Bru to toast that 404 years ago James VI of Scotland is crowned the first King of the United Kingdom.

*****

Bugs Bunny turns 67 years old and enjoys his birthday despite increasing infirmity and advancing alzheimer's making his most popular catchphrase more and more apposite.

*****

George W. Bush interrupts his Oval Office briefing on Cuba's Revolution Day to ask Condoleezza Rice whether he should be the one to spin the globe.

*****

P Diddy's new perfume "Unforgivable Woman" raises questions at the launch party as to whether this is the most unforgivable thing about Mr Combs.

*****

Sir Mick Jagger's 64th birthday is spent in nostalgic mood reliving his rebellious youth at an exclusive event at his favourite club at Lord's Cricket Ground.

*****

Friday 20 July 2007

2007-07-20T07:10:00.000Z

REALLY HUGE NEWS has obtained a copy of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. For those of you who cannot wait until midnight, I can reveal:

*****

The landlord of the Leaky Cauldron is fined for permitting smoking on the premises.

*****

Hermione Granger is thrown out of Hogwarts for running an internet homework service business.

*****

The Death Eaters are chosen to replace Ronald McDonald for the latest Big Mac advertising campaign.

*****

Quidditch is blessed by the International Olympic Committee and will make its debut at the 2012 Olympics.

*****

Metronet's administrators reveal that there are three parties interested in taking over the contract to run the Floo Network.

*****

Hagrid becomes Slimfast's slimmer of the year with an incredible 258 pound weight loss.

*****

Albus Dumbledore comes back to life in the form of David Blaine.

*****

Hedwig becomes diabetic after eating too many sugar mice.

*****

Harry Potter agrees to appear in adverts proclaiming the beneficial effects of laser scar removal treatment.

*****

Voldemort is arrested and charged with grooming Harry Potter.

*****

Happy Reading.

Wednesday 18 July 2007

2007-07-18T05:33:00.000Z

It's Wednesday and there is no spelling test at school for my 8 year old daughter. The last week of the school year means that learning has stopped. So in the spirit of flash cards, playing classical music to foetuses and arguing with the officials at your little darling's sports events, I offer my alternative spelling list:

Baby
Einstein
Television
Evil
Cartoons
Never
Carbonated
Are
You
Mad
Over
Zealous

Now what should my 12 year old do in the absence of homework over the summer holidays?

Monday 16 July 2007

2007-07-16T07:40:00.000Z

While foreign tourists deprived of their Caffé Vanilla Frappuccino® light blended Venti-sized coffee while visiting the Forbidden City in Beijing somehow make do with experiencing local history and culture, the brand new week starts in the UK. What could be making Really Huge News by the time Friday comes and another 30 Starbuck stores have opened? Possibly the following:

*****

The preview of Coleen McLoughlin's clothing range for Asda reveals a new market segment - the elderly look to attract young footballers.

*****

Amy Winehouse surprises the media and meets her commitment to play a concert at the Eden Project.

*****

Amy Winehouse surprises the media and fails to meet her commitment to play a concert at the Eden Project.

*****

Wills and Harry offer to give Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall, the bumps on her 60th birthday is declined, as is their suggestion that she has dinner at the Ritz Hotel in Paris with chauffeur driven car laid on.

*****

The 38th anniversary of Apollo 11 landing on the moon and the 31st anniversary of Viking 1 landing on Mars are marked by NASA's chief making a celebratory trip to the staff restaurant at Kennedy Space Center - a few small steps for a man and some nice, new non-stick frying pans for the chefs at the restaurant.

*****

Surprise as the Pink Panther becomes Tony Blair's successor as Member of Parliament for Sedgefield.

*****

A medical alarm at the White House on US National Ice Cream Day when George W. Bush struggles with the new Ben and Jerry ice cream named in his honour - Choke Full O'Nuts.

*****

Vladimir Putin ignores the 89th anniversary of the execution of Family of Tsar Nicholas II of Russia in favour of confirming the decision not to extradite Andrei Lugovi to face trial for the murder of Alexander Litvinenko.

*****

International Justice Day marking the establishment of the International Criminal Court is noted by George W. Bush who confirms that the meaning of International in the USA is the world outside America and that he's ok defining justice in Guantanamo Bay.

*****

The Ryanair flight taking the expedition investigating Amelia Earhart's disappearance fails to arrive in Nikumaroro Island in the Pacific. The expedition finally arrives after a 40 hour water taxi journey.

*****

Friday 13 July 2007

2007-07-13T18:50:00.000Z

As the week draws to a close and David Beckham prepares to wow the USA, we work through the mixed emotions and concerns of Mr & Mrs Beckham jeopardising their god given talents by too much transatlantic travel and take time to look back on recent happenings.

The REALLY HUGE NEWS this week is:

*****

The Queen's photo session with Annie Leibovitz went better than suggested by the BBC, although the Passport Office did reject the picture featuring the tiara for not meeting their strict new guidelines.

*****

Who'd buy a used football club, last owner Ken Bates and friends? The answer is Ken Bates and friends. Ken Bates paid £1 for Chelsea Football Club and received £18 million when he sold out to Roman Abramovich. His involvement with Leeds United Football Club is successfully set to reverse this process. Ironic given the traditional relationship between Chelsea and Leeds.

*****

Dave Barclay having flown 3,000 miles from Toronto, Canada, to Cardiff, Wales, for his friend's wedding one year early made the best of his unanticipated free time by visiting Stratford in east London for the Olympics.

*****

Hindu monks hoping that legal intervention will save Shambo the, allegedly TB-ridden, sacred bullock had second thoughts about their choice of law firm - Wendy, McDonalds, and Wimpy. Their lead defence barrister rejected claims of conflict of interest as people telling a bunch of Whoppers.

*****

The mysterious donor who has left 4 million yen in 10,000 yen bank notes (worth £40 or US$400) in men's toilets across Japan also forgot to flush.

*****

The proposed Fat Tax to encourage people to consume healthy food was not received well and tax officials advise that the suggestion has had its chips.

*****

It's been widely reported that Tony Blair is now into texting and the first reply he received was "Who are you?". Less widely reported was that this was in response to Tony texting "How's it going?" to Gordon Brown.

*****

Why did the Washington University study discover that older people find it harder to understand jokes than students?

A) To get to the other side
B) Kermit in a blender
C) Because it's too far to walk
D) He won't sell many ice creams going that speed, or
E) Only in the mating season

*****

The man accused of sawing the arms off a bronze statue of Pele confessed that he was legless at the time.

*****

Gordon Brown has announced that the time pupils will spend doing sports will increase to five hours a week. The extra time will be spent running round trying to find the playing fields that have been sold off by local authorities.

*****

Wednesday 11 July 2007

2007-07-11T07:20:00.000Z

It's Wednesday and spelling test day at school for my 8 year old daughter. This week the words are:

altogether
sum
total
group
multiple
times
difference
minus
subtract
divide
remainder
share

Yes, vocabulary for calculations. In recognition of the wonderful clarity provided by arithmetic, I offer my alternative spelling list:

French
bill
addition
below
steam engine
subtraction
many
folds
multiplication
parliamentary
vote
division

Where would we be without the "method of the Indians" or Count von Count?

Monday 9 July 2007

2007-07-09T07:45:00.000Z

Having spent the weekend wondering trying to remember the name of that yellow, shiny, hot object in the sky, the brand new week starts in the UK. What could be making Really Huge News by the time Friday comes and those of us who are superstitious are hiding in bed under the duvet? Possibly the following:

*****

Stella McCartney's Second Life protest picnic against the fur trade is disrupted when virtual ants swarm over the virtual food and virtual wasps terrorise the picnickers.

*****

The UK launch of Justin Timberlake's new clothing line is a huge success with jeans that cost US$211 in the USA selling for £12.50 due to the pound soaring against the US dollar.

*****

World Population Day passes most of the world's population by.

*****

The Queen celebrates the 25th anniversary of a man breaking into her bedroom and spending ten minutes talking with her by having another short conversation with Prince Philip.

*****

The anniversary of the 2006 World Cup Final is marked by Zinedane Zidane apologising to Marco Materazzi by sending Signor Materazzi two hogsheads of red wine, an archery target, a pork shoulder and a picture of a footballer who has played for Manchester United and Newcastle.

*****

Druids descend on New York on one of the two days a year when sunset and sunrise align with Manhattan's street grid. The Archdruid comments that it is a once in a lifetime opportunity to go shopping with such a beneficial exchange rate.

*****

The second UK postal workers strike arrives a couple of days later than scheduled having stopped mail delivery in Belgium.

*****

Polish President Lech Kaczynski and Ukraine President Viktor Yushchenko announce that the construction contracts for Euro 2012 football championships are not awarded to English contractors because their bids did not comply with the penalty provisions.

*****

The Thai Supreme Court clears Thaksin Shinawatra of corruption charges but commits him for psychiatric assessment following his purchase of Manchester City football club.

*****

A surprise result in the Indian presidential election when the electoral college vote for Jade Goody.

*****

Friday 6 July 2007

2007-07-06T22:00:00.000Z

As the week draws to a close and families start to wonder what they'll do without an episode of Dr Who to enjoy, it's time to look back on recent happenings.

The REALLY HUGE NEWS this week is:

*****

The Bank of England's decision to increase interest rates combined with accelerating property prices means that the total cost of buying an average house over a typical 25 year mortgage term is now so high that shockingly it's reached the level of two weeks wages for a Premier League footballer.

*****

Jade Goody has been banned from driving for six months after being spotted by traffic police "acting confused" at a zebra crossing while listening to Michael Jackson.

*****

Dr Who fans have attacked the announcement of the Dr's new assistant with loud cries of "Extermitate, Extermitate, Extermitate".

*****

The Nepalese living goddess who was sacked for visiting the USA rejected accusations that she had been tainted by her trip and offered to prove her divinity by feeding a multitude with five Colonel Crispy Strip buckets and two Filet-O-Fish and turning water into bottled water.

*****

The thirty individuals who won a contest to destroy bathrooms and bedrooms in a Madrid hotel expressed their pride at getting the hotel just right for the imminent hordes of summer holidaymakers from Britain.

*****

The Worcestershire cave home auctioned for £100,000 has been put back on the market. The buyer explained that she understood that there'd be no electricity or water supply but hadn't realised that bin collections were once a fortnight.

*****

An investigation has revealed that the main technical secret leaked by Ferrari's team manager to McLaren's chief designer was the design details of a special tool enabling supercars to navigate speed bumps.

*****

The administrators of bankrupt and relegated Leeds United Football Club have warned that the club may not start next season. Fans celebrate anticipating far fewer losses than last season.

*****

President Bush continuing his mastery of right and wrong commuted the prison sentence of Lewis Libby for perjury and obstructing justice. Handed a get out of jail free card, "Scooter" Libby thanked George W. for his help and for standing by his friends, a sentiment echoed by the bin Laden family.

*****

Gordon Brown has lifted restrictions on flying the national flag on government buildings. Public authorities now have a choice of the Cross of St. Andrew and the Stars and Stripes.

*****

Wednesday 4 July 2007

2007-07-04T07:55:00.000Z

It's Wednesday and spelling test day at school for my 8 year old daughter. This week the words are:

second
minute
hour
millilitre
litre
millimetre
centimetre
metre
kilometre
gram
kilogram
degrees Celcius

Units of measurement. Important stuff, which is why I offer my alternative spelling list:

demi
standard
magnum
jeroboam
rehoboam
imperial
methusalah
salmanazer
balthazar
nebuchadnezzar
solomon
primat

My twelve year old son tells me that the only unit of measurement worth contemplating is the number of days until the summer holidays.

13 and counting.

Monday 2 July 2007

2007-07-02T07:00:00.000Z

Having realised this weekend that half the year has gone and next year's New Year resolutions are now closer than those made/kept/broken/ignored/laughed at (delete as appropriate) this year, the brand new week starts in the UK. What could be making Really Huge News by the time Friday comes and there are only 172 shopping days to Christmas. Possibly the following:

*****

The vote for the world's New Seven Wonders closes with the favourites for the top seven being:

Stevie Wonder
Golden Wonder
Wonderwall
Wonder Woman
Wonderbra
One Hit Wonders
The O J Simpson murder trial verdict

*****

Nicolas Sarkozy faces the first challenge of his presidency when the French public protest that the part of France given the honour of holding the Tour de France's opening event is London.

*****

McDonalds marks the 53rd anniversary of the end of food rationing in the UK by launching the new McDiet Burger containing the same number of calories as one week's rations.

*****

July 4 sees the usual celebrations around the world as employees of US multinational companies enjoy their day of independence from corporate headquarters.

*****

The European Commission announces new European Union wine rules. In a noble sacrifice to help reduce the wine lake, it is now mandatory for EU civil servants to drink an additional two bottles of wine with lunch every day.

*****

The International Olympic Committee announce that the impact of global climate change was the main consideration in choosing the frozen flood plains of Yorkshire as the venue for the XXII Olympic Winter Games in 2014.

*****

In Spain officials save the centuries old Pamplona festival, solving the bull shortage problems by inviting the G8 leaders to talk about what has been achieved in the two years since they promised to Make Poverty History.

*****

The new Fiat cinquecento launch sees Fiat UK deny that the car's name reflects anticipated sales figures.

*****

Preparations for the 787 Dreamliner debut in Everett, Washington State, USA, jet ahead with officials and guests being flown by Ryanair, Boeing's launch partner, into Ronald Reagan Washington National Airport.

*****

Friday 29 June 2007

2007-06-29T07:21:00.000Z

As the week draws to a close and finger nails are just about clean of Glastonbury mud, it's time to look back on recent happenings.

The REALLY HUGE NEWS this week is:

*****

Gordon Brown has become the third prime minister of Queen Elizabeth II's reign not to have won a general election. Tony Blair became Liz's fourth prime minister to leave by resigning rather than losing a general election. As ever, one step ahead of Gordon.

*****

Meanwhile Tony Blair has launched his personal website featuring this rather fetching picture:

*****

The launch of IBM's Blue Gene/P, the world's fastest supercomputer capable of performing 1,000 trillion calculations per second, went horribly wrong when it permanently crashed trying to answer a question about whether it's right for the Spice Girls to reform.

*****

Andy Murray's Wimbledon no-show meant the re-instatement of Tiger Tim and Henman Hill. The tabloids rejoiced with Alliterative Awfulness only for Desperate Defeat in the Second Round.

*****

Polish magazine Wprost has come under fire for its front page picture mock-up of Angela Merkel breastfeeding twin brothers - the president and prime minister of Poland. The editors immediately apologised, admitting their ignorance of EU milk quotas.

*****

iPhone mania has hit the USA. Greg Packer has been queuing outside the Manhattan Apple store since Monday to get an iPhone the moment it is released. David Clayman is just behind Mr Packer and Steve Jobs is third in line as the iPhone is so popular this is the only way he's sure of getting one.

*****

Reports this week reveal that the CIA plotted with the Mafia to overthrow Castro, investigated John Lennon and conspired to make Simon Cowell reinstate Louis Walsh as a judge on The X Factor.

*****

Paris Hilton told the world that being in prison changed her beyond belief. Mis Hilton failed to mention that this was because the Governor ensured she changed her clothes, her hairstyle, and her jewellery.

*****

Judge Roy Pearson lost his US$54 million claim for damages resulting from Custom Cleaners allegedly mislaying a pair of his trousers. His plans to appeal have been put on hold along with his calls about keeping his position in the judiciary.

*****

The police investigating the cash for honours allegations paid for a porn star to fly from California to the UK to help with their inquiries. The police officers involved remember little about their meeting with Courtney Coventry but say that it was an honour for which they were happy to pay cash.

*****

Wednesday 27 June 2007

2007-06-27T07:49:00.000Z

It's Wednesday and spelling test day at school for my 8 year old daughter. This week the words are:

mother
father
daughter
brother
sister
cousin
grandmother
grandfather
aunty
uncle
nephew
niece

Yes, these are family members. For reasons unknown, my daughter informs me that son was deleted from the list. Without stopping to analyse that, I offer my alternative spelling list:

step-dad
lawyer
CSA
prenuptual
visitation
rights
test tube
twins
triplets
quadruplets
civil
partnerships

This list combines with the school list to provide a UK perspective that is more familiar.

Monday 25 June 2007

2007-06-25T07:30:00.000Z

Having realised this weekend that the school holidays are within touching distance and it's time to get organised for the family summer trip or hide from the joy spread by holidaying families, the brand new week starts in the UK. What could be making Really Huge News by the time Friday comes and the supermarket special offers on sunscreen are making the British weather look even more miserable? Possibly the following:

*****

The UK Secretary of State for International Development launches an anti-drought programme with arrangements for the Glastonbury Festival of Contemporary Performing Arts and Wimbledon Tennis Championships to go on tour round sub-Saharan Africa.

*****

George W. Bush's contribution to the video celebrating the anniversary of the UN Charter becomes a YouTube sensation as he shares with the world some trivia about its signing and the introduction of the phrase John Hancock into common parlance.

*****

International Day In Support of Torture Victims is marked in the USA by the release of a 1974 report into CIA wrongdoings, further concerns about extraordinary rendition and the release of Paris Hilton.

*****

44 years after John F. Kennedy's evocative comments "Ich bin ein Berliner", Angela Merkel lets slip that George W. Bush's last words to her were "Ich bin ein Massage Therapist".

*****

The third anniversary of the USA handing sovereignty back to Iraq is marked by traditional gift giving with George W. Bush receiving another reduction in his approval ratings.

*****

Prime Minister's questions proves more amusing than usual when Tony Blair stands up and says "The thing is that I had a farewell dinner with Gordon in Islington last night and, you won't believe this, I'm actually staying on."

*****

Kate Moss's new perfume "Kate" is launched despite Coty turning their nose up at her original Fragrant Pete concept.

*****

Japanese fans show their devotion to Harry Potter by queuing for days to catch a glimpse of the stars of "Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix" on the red carpet at its world premiere in Tokyo. Chinese fans show their devotion by buying the DVD.

*****

My 8 year old daugher, inspired by Anne "Special K" Keothavong's performance at Wimbledon, picks up a tennis racket and immediately gains a UK women top twenty ranking.

*****

The iPhone launch proves a huge success for Apple with its iPaidHowMuchToBeCool? price tag.

*****

Friday 22 June 2007

2007-06-22T09:25:00.000Z

As the week draws to a close and following the traditional summer solstice observance - Day 23 of Big Brother - it's time to look back on recent happenings.

The REALLY HUGE NEWS this week is:

*****

The Dutch trucker caught eating pasta from a saucepan while driving his 40 tonne lorry one handed along the A55 in North Wales, apologised profusely as he didn't realise the protocol in Britain is to eat spaghetti on toast.

*****

The Royal Mail has lost its contract with Amazon. A spokesman stated "We know it's somewhere but can't put our finger on it straight away".

*****

Cadbury's has announced sweeping steps to become leaner. First, lay-off all those Creme Eggs.

*****

The advertising watchdog has blocked 50 year old "Go To Work On An Egg" adverts citing public health concerns at eating half century old eggs.

*****

Following the Vatican's Ten Commandments for Motorists, Buddhism launches Four Noble Truths about hair styling, and the Mormons re-issue their 13 Articles of Faith - one for each wife.

*****

Nicolas Sarkozy has explained that at his infamous G8 press conference he was running late, took a flight of stairs four steps at a time and was "out of breath" ... as a newt.

*****

China has overtaken the USA as the world's biggest CO2 emitter. That's one big SodaStream. George W.Bush immediately assured his nation that the hot air released by the 2008 Presidential election campaign will soon return the USA to world dominance.

*****

Ukvisas denied applicants entry to the UK because they did not have sufficient command of English. They failed to demonstrate an ability to ... speak ... slowly ... and ... LOUDLY.

*****

French officials have been forbidden from using Blackberry wireless email devices for reasons of state security. There are concerns that they may fall out of pockets when running up flights of stairs four steps at a time.

*****

Gordon Brown is considering including non-Labour party members in his cabinet to kick-start his administration and immediately give it wider popular appeal. Paddy Ashdown and the Liberal Democrats have rejected him but he's pretty confident about Paul Potts as Secretary of State for Wales and Pete Bennett as Secretary of State for Culture.

*****

Wednesday 20 June 2007

2007-06-20T07:15:00.000Z

It's Wednesday and spelling test day at school for my 8 year old daughter. This week the words are:

asked
answered
called
bellowed
cried
boomed
replied
demanded
said
screamed
shouted
whispered

Yes, these are conversation verbs. I guess it's a sign of the times that 8 year olds have entered the world of software programming. So, in the language of C, I offer my alternative spelling list:

GET_TYPE
[MC_]ALLOCATE
[MC_]CONFIRM
[MC_]CONFIRMED
[MC_]FLUSH
[MC_]GET_ATTRIBUTES
[MC_]RECEIVE_AND_POST
[MC_]PREPARE_TO_RECEIVE
[MC_]RECEIVE_AND_WAIT
[MC_]RECEIVE_IMMEDIATE
[MC_]REQUEST_TO_SEND
[MC_]DEALLOCATE

My 12 year old son is not impressed. Don't I know about Linux?

Monday 18 June 2007

2007-06-18T08:15:00.000Z

Having wasted half the weekend poring over the Queen's Birthday honours list, failing to find your name (once again) and realising (once again) that it mostly rewards people who have people who read the honours list for them, the brand new week starts in the UK. What could be making Really Huge News by the time Friday comes and the days have started getting shorter? Possibly the following:

*****

The Paris Airshow is cancelled when the governor requires her to strictly adhere to the jail dress code.

*****

European Human Rights and Trading Standards officials combine in a campaign for fairer and more accurate representation to require Men, Children and Disfunctional Family Days at Royal Ascot.

*****

Nicolas Sarkozy, Tony Blair and Gordon Brown re-work the Entente Cordiale. Agreement is reached, after a session at 10 Downing Street lasting several hours, that the best recipe includes whisky, creme de menthe cut with russian cologne and that Monsieur Sarkozy should handle all the questions at the press conference.

*****

Years of bottled up emotion are finally released at Tony Blair's last EU Summit. His closing speech, again talking about Britain being at the heart of Europe is marked with tears ... of laughter.

*****

To the surprise of many World Humanist Day is marked in the White House. George W. Bush expresses happiness at celebrating all that is good in humanisty and in the same press conference thanks his fellow celebrants from the Repulicanisty Party.

*****

Blue daubed naked dancers found by police in fields near Oxford on the summer solstice turn out to be Chelsea footballers continuing John Terry's wedding celebrations.

*****

Last minute preparations for Glastonbury Festival of Contemporary Performing Arts are completed with the announcement of Tony Blair headlining the new 45 minutes stage.

*****

The publishers of Pete Doherty's diaries stress his work is not be sniffed at - for health and safety as well as legal reasons.

*****

Queen Elizabeth celebrates Prince William's 25th birthday, noting that she was William's age when she became Queen. Prince Phillip lightens the mood by commenting that Prince Charles has celebrated one more birthday than his grandfather King George VI ever did.

*****

World Refugee Day is marked around the world. Refugees and their children have made a huge difference to our world. A random selection includes Albert Einstein, Maria von Trapp, Joseph Conrad, Arnold Schoenberg, Sir Alec Issigonis, Isabel Allende, Sigmund Freud, Hans Singer, Gloria Estefan, Henry Kissinger, Richard Rogers, Marc Chagall, Karl Marx, Anish Kapoor, Olivia Newton John, the Dalai Lama, Michael Marks, and Marliene Dietrich. The Daily Mail goes with "Immigrants To Get Weekly Rubbish Collection".

*****

Friday 15 June 2007

2007-06-15T09:00:00.000Z

As the week draws to a close it's time to look back on recent happenings, perhaps with a sense of relief similar to that felt by a soon to be prime minister flying out of Iraq just after a mortar attack on the International Zone in Baghdad.

The REALLY HUGE NEWS this week is:

*****

A week of many believable denials. George W. Bush didn't have his watch lifted while embracing an over-enthusiatic Albanian crowd (obviously a case of mistaken identity), Nicolas Sarkozy was not drunk at the G8 summit last week. And Gordon Brown is not James Brown's son. Further denials reveal that one of these is definitely not true but which one?

*****

Ikea is giving its UK employees low-energy light bulbs for use at home. This small but admirable eco-friendly step was frustrated when none of the Ikea employees could understand the instructions that came with the light bulbs.

*****

A Tate Gallery spokesperson poo pood claims that Piero Manzoni's artistic creation "Merda d'Artista" are tins containing only plaster.

*****

After weeks of media intrigue, Jamaican police announced that Bob Woolmer was not murdered and died of natural causes. The Pakistan cricket team and bookmakers in India stated that they had known this the whole time.

*****

Victoria Beckham's lawyers admitted a simple misunderstanding and withdrew an injunction stopping the We Are What We Do (WAWWD) campaign to exclude plastic bags from Christmas shopping.

*****

The lap dancing advert on a field under the flight path into London Gatwick airport has triggered a new wave of promotion. The flight path into Birmingham International Airport is adorned with images of a local Balti restaurant. The Royal Bank of Scotland has plans for the approach to Edinburgh airport. No surprises at London Heathrow where National Car Parks has benefited from overhead images of the M25 for years.

*****

The cause of the International Space Station's computer crash is now understood to be the visiting astronauts trying to watch clips of "Britain's Got Talent" on YouTube and the computer's advanced analytical software logic paths being unable to cope.

*****

George W. Bush's jewellers celebrated the US President's visit to Albania and his close encounter with cheering crowds. Alfred Moisiu, the Albanian President issued a statement that President Bush enjoyed his time in Albania not only meeting the people but also, when in private, games of Find The Lady and Liar's Poker.

*****

The New South Wales State Emergency Service delivered 12 kegs and three crates of beer to the town of Hinton which has been cut-off from the outside world by floods. Hinton residents have appealed for assistance from Aboriginal spiritual leaders for more water.

*****

Paul McCartney fans have spotted that the title of his new album - Memory Almost Full - is an anagram of "For My Soulmate LLM". LLM = Linda Louise McCartney. Heather Mills-McCartney is, of course, an anagram of Mentally Charm Heretics. Now we better understand the relationship dynamics.

*****

A spokesperson for Nicolas Sarkozy highlighted the new French President's cultural sensitivity on the world stage by Monsieur Sarkozy's refusal to offer French wine to Vladimir Putin and instead serving the President of the Russian Federation Eau de Cologne Imperiale Russe Martinis.

*****

Wednesday 13 June 2007

2007-06-13T07:00:00.000Z

It's Wednesday, so it's spelling test day at school for my 8 year old daughter. This week the words are:

beside
between
behind
beneath
beyond
alongside
close to
opposite
next to
adjacent to
under
underneath

Yes, these are prepositions, a category of adpositions. My daughter reminds me that these are not postpositions, circumpositions, interpositions or even ambipositions. Seems that grammar has more positions than a cricket team. At the risk of having to explain the rules of cricket, I offer an alternative spelling list:

over
before
mid
at
off
out of
by
on
in
for
in front of
under

Thanks to Really Huge News, you are now fully equipped to play cricket. Enjoy.

Monday 11 June 2007

2007-06-11T10:18:00.000Z

With noses glowing traditionally from the weekend sunshine, the brand new week starts in the UK. What could be making Really Huge News by the time Friday comes and us Brits are again hoping to top up our sunburn? Possibly the following:

*****

Paris Hilton is released from jail when her mystery ailment is revealed to be celebrity attention deficit disorder.

*****

George W. Bush's tour of Europe ends with Bulgaria. When asked how his trip has gone, President Bush talks fondly of Tomsk and then asks to meet Tobermory and Madame Cholet.

*****

In an act of reconciliation, the British and Argentinian governments jointly mark the 25th anniversary of the end of the Falklands war. Tragedy hits when Margaret Thatcher is run over by an official vehicle when she was heading away from the reconciliation ceremony.

*****

Sony withdraw "Resistance: Fall of Man", the Playstation game that uses Manchester Cathedral's interior as the setting for a bloody alien battle. Rejecting the Church of England's complaints, Sony bow to pressure from Manchester United for unauthorised use of the faces of Sir Alex Ferguson, Wayne Rooney and Gary Neville for the alien creatures.

*****

The US launch of Victoria Beckham's dVb denim range is marred when, in order to keep the event classy, Victoria bans people from wearing jeans.

*****

The result of the battle of the UK film premieres - Fantastic Four, Shrek Three.

*****

The UN World Day Against Child Labour focuses on agriculture. Tesco removes baby carrots and leeks from their shelves and commits to stop using "Every Little Helps".

*****

A leak ahead of the UK government's statement on digital switchover reveals that their strategy is indeed based on crossed fingers.

*****

In a week that sees George H.W. Bush 83rd birthday celebrations, the 218th anniversary of the birth of Bourbon whisky, and Ice Cube's 38th birthday, a confused and conflicted George W.Bush seeks advice as to which party to attend.

*****

Michael Jackson celebrates the second anniversary of his acquittal of child abuse charges by taking his attorneys for a meal at Chuck E. Cheese's.

*****

Friday 8 June 2007

2007-06-08T10:00:00.000Z

As the week draws to a close it's time to reflect on recent events. Hopefully you are not doing this in solitary confinement like Paris Hilton (successfully plotting how to get out of jail) or, actually, in any manner like Paris Hilton.

The REALLY HUGE NEWS this week is:

*****

Following on from the success of the teddy bear robot used to carry injured soldiers to safety, the US military are developing a Winnie The Pooh evacuation tool for those unfortunate, scary moments.

*****

The national university entrance exams have started in China. The Chinese consider these high pressure exams a defining moment on the road to success as students compete for limited college places. Parents do everything in their power to help - hire tutors, buy special food, rent hotel rooms near the exam hall. The local authorities even ban construction and the use of sirens between 10 pm and 6 am to provide for a good night's sleep. This may initially seem somewhat extreme but on closer inspection looks very similar to the consideration given in the UK to getting into X Factor, Big Brother or a media studies course.

*****

Starbucks has released Paul McCartney's latest album on their Hear Music label. "Memory Almost Full" is being played non-stop at more than 10,000 Starbucks outlets around the world and is available for purchase with a free Iced Caramel Masochisto.

*****

The original "warts and all" portrait of Oliver Cromwell was sold for £532,000. In the same auction, the original pre-Photoshop picture of Jordan failed to reach its reserve price.

*****

Swedish scientists have developed digital paper that plays recorded sound when touched. Kimberly-Clark have confirmed plans to incorporate cute puppy noises in their Andrex products, "bless yous" in their Kleenex Aloe Vera range and Meg Ryan's deli scene in a new tissue product range for teenage boys.

*****

Teeside University's research project Consumption and Activity in Kids Experience (CAKE) revealed that most 9 and 10 year old children surveyed were not aware of any type of bean other than baked. The survey did not, however, complete the research into the children's knowledge of cake as the first kid interviewed consumed all the time available for the study as well as three Battenberg cakes, correctly peeling off the almond flavoured coating and separating out the pink and yellow segments.

*****

Ulster Unionist Councillor Jim Rodgers became Belfast's lord mayor on the toss of a coin. Guidance on this deadlock breaking course of action came from Tony Blair who added that it's a really good way of deciding who gets to pay for dinner at a swanky Islington restaurant and become prime minister for ten years.

*****

Postal workers have voted to strike over the Royal Mail's proposed pay settlement. Follow-on industrial action plans are uncertain without the Communication Workers Union being able to organise a postal ballot.

*****

The Glamour Woman of the Year is Victoria Beckham, Presenter of the Year is Fearne Cotton, Writer of the Year is Teri Hatcher, TV Personality of the Year is Charlotte Church, and the Inspiration Award went to Angelina Jolie. In a remarkable coincidence, the same individuals won awards on the same night from Vacuous TV, Life Force Ebbing Away Magazine and Hansard.

*****

The Rolling Stones are back on the road again and, in traditional rock star manner, making mayhem. This time no trashing of hotel rooms, Mars bars or falling out of trees. Instead their Belgrade concert has been moved because of concerns that it might upset 300 horses in stables near the original concert venue. The shares of Serbia's leading fertiliser company plummeted from the 52 week high set after a recent Osmonds concert.

*****

The Terence Higgins Trust launched a campaign promoting safe sex at the 2012 Olympics highlighting that competitors used 90,000 condoms at the Sydney Olympics and 250,000 condoms at the Winter Olympics in Utah two years later. The campaign scored an immediate victory when the London Olympics organisers confirmed that the cartoon characters in the new logo are fully protected. There is now wild speculation as to what those winter Olympians have that their summer counterparts don't. Apart, of course, from those 160,000 extra condoms.

(With thanks to diamond geezer for planting the lovely image of cartoon frolicking in what's left of my mind).

*****

The first eviction night on UK Big Brother 8 has been suspended due to Emily Parr's removal from the Big Brother House for saying a racially offensive word. The series is under threat following other inmates saying the unsayable - "Actually the Apprentice is more interesting and would have been a better long term career move but then I'm not really qualified to get on it."

*****

Rod Stewart performed for the Queen at St James's Palace in London in aid of the Royal National Institute for the Blind. He dedicated a song to his fiancee, Penny Lancaster, and denied rumours that either of them are a beneficiary of this particular charity.

*****

Wednesday 6 June 2007

2007-06-06T07:00:00.000Z

It's Wednesday, so it's spelling test day at school for my 8 year old daughter. This week the words are:

quit
quarter
quite
quarrel
quiet
quaint
quickly
quack
quest
quality
question
quantity

The new half term starts with a Q. The 17th letter of the Latin alphabet that wonderfully guarantees how u spell the next letter. I, therefore, offer an alternative Q spelling list:

qadi
qanat
qasida
qawwal
qawwali
qi
qiana
qibla
qigong
qin
qintar
qiviut
qwerty

Many thanks to Arabic, Chinese and Albanian cultures and, of course, 19th century American ingenuity which solved mechanical engineering deficiencies subsequently leading to global typing inefficiency.

Monday 4 June 2007

2007-06-03T08:11:00.000Z

With the barbecue smoke just about clearing and digestive systems recovering from charred, semi-cooked sausages, the brand new week starts in the UK. What could be making Really Huge News by the time Friday comes and us Brits are again contemplating the summer food poisoning challenge? Possibly the following:

*****

The 18th anniversary of the massacre in Tiananmen Square is marked by the USA reporting a record trade deficit with China. Commerce Secretary Carlos M. Gutierrez admits that the US administration is troubled by China's human rights records but "we just lurve all those cheap electronics, toys, having another country to blame for the world's environmental problems and isn't Peking Duck just yummy".

*****

The US authorities demonstrate support for World Environment Day when Paris Hilton goes to jail.

*****

Sweden's National Day is celebrated as a holiday for the third time since Sweden broke away from Denmark in 1523. Fredrik Reinfeldt, the Swedish Prime Minister, answers criticism of half-hearted celebration of national identity by retorting that many people in many countries pay homage with regular and frequent Ikea days especially when getting that thing they didn't have in stock last time.

*****

George W. Bush's visit to Poland is celebrated as a huge success in the White House as he flies home with a plumber to fix that blocked toilet in the Oval Office washroom.

*****

The Royal Academy Summer Exhibition VIP private view provides Academy members with an opportunity to closely examine the beauty and lines of the modern artistic greats on display - Kylie Minogue, Jemima Goldsmith and Claudia Schiffer.

*****

Katie Price's book launch exceeds all expectations when the title is revealed: "Harry Potter and The Publicity Hungry, Surgically Enhanced But Commercially Aware Model Come Singer Come TV Star Come Writer".

*****

George W. Bush addresses the press at the G8 Summit in Germany acknowledging his failure to make poverty history. He confesses that history was his weakest subject at school along with math, science, geography, reading, writing, spilling ... but he was real good at sport and being nice to Daddy's friends.

*****

England surprisingly concede their Euro 2008 qualifier against Estonia when they fail to turn up in Tallinn. Steve McClaren resigns admitting that he realised it had been a mistake for him to let David Beckham make the travel arrangements when the team arrived at an East Anglian Travel Inn.

*****

Friday 1 June 2007

2007-06-01T09:00:00.000Z

With the week starting on Monday with a public holiday, it doesn't feel as though the weekend is imminent. Really Huge News, however, shows no respect to holidays and the world continues to turn. I, therefore, share some Really Huge News from the last few days as reported in the UK. For those of you reading this overseas somewhere, the UK is situated in northern Europe, just beside the Netherlands (fill in your own jokes related to reality TV formats and organ donation) and, thanks to global warming, has a sub-tropical climate, this week featuring rain and the occasional sunny period.

The REALLY HUGE NEWS this week is:

*****

Performance artist Mark McGowan ate corgi to protest at the British Royal Family's cruelty to animals. The choice of corgi was, of course, because of the Queen's world famous passion for this particular breed of dog. The reason for Mr McGowan's particular course of protest action becomes clear when you discover the email address detailed on his web site - chunkymark1974@yahoo.com

*****

Andy Coulson is the British Conservative party's new Director of Communications. Mr Coulson distinguished career in tabloid journalism will greatly assist him in his new role. Having edited the Sun newspaper's Bizarre column, he is fully prepared for policy discussions, and having edited the News Of The World newspaper, he is well placed to express views on the clean living Tory leadership. His CV would be complete if he had some close connection to Rupert Murdoch. Bingo! (And other tabloid gimmicks to come).

*****

Cows in New Zealand are producing skimmed milk. Apparently no interest from chunkymark1974.

*****

The Kominato Hotel Mikazuki in Japan is no longer the proud owner of two communal gold baths - one for men and one for women - each weighing 80 kilograms and worth 120 million yen. Mysteriously the male bath has disappeared. Interpol are seeking Ronnie Corbett after hotel management were reported as saying that the burglar had got clean away.

*****

The Sachertorte, the Austrian classic chocolate cake, is 175 years old. The Tesco sell by date is still next Monday.

*****

A 71 year old Japanese man has become the oldest person to climb Everest. He apparently celebrated at the summit by washing in a gold bath.

*****

42 is once again the answer to the meaning of life, the universe and everything. This time it is the age at which you are unable to accommodate technological innovation. As someone who uses complete words and punctuation in text messages, I find this hard to believe. Now all I need to do is to work out how to change the ribbon on this nice Blogger typewriter so that I can make sure my secret musings are legible.

*****

Gordon Brown has put Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows on his summer reading list. Gordon can't wait to see who comes out on top - the boyish, charming wizard who managed to make the Labour party electable again or the older, cunning, evil financial manipulator who most people have realised has increased the tax burden quite considerably and mortgaged the future by overuse of PFI funded initiatives. My guess - a draw.

*****

Microsoft has launched a coffee table computer. An immediate answer for those aged 42 plus.

*****

A US Patent and Trademark Office spokesperson expressed surprise at the concern expressed by Indian authorities at patents being issued covering the ancient art of yoga stating that he thought everyone knew that it all started in Jellystone Park. Smarter than your average patent attorney!

*****

Big Brother 8 started in the UK on Wednesday. All the contestants are female, so far, and, as far as we know, have all their organs in perfect working order with the obvious exception of their brains. I, of course, will only be watching in case there is any Really Huge News and to save you the need to do so yourself. As an aside, I'd like to scotch the rumour that I am Sam and Amanda, the 18 year old twins - combined (clearly the hope of Channel 4 producers) they are not in the 42 plus club.

*****

Ewa Sowinska, the Polish spokesperson for children's rights, has been hit by a lawsuit following her call for Tinky Winky to be investigated for promoting a gay lifestyle. Jerry Falwell's estate is suing for unauthorised use of intellectual property quoting US Patent # 666 issued to Mr Falwell covering Tellytubby related homophobic ranting.

*****

Wednesday 30 May 2007

2007-05-28T16:38:00.000Z

It's Wednesday but no spelling test day at school for my 8 year old daughter as no school - half term holiday strikes. So no spelling to learn and instead homework of reading, reading and more reading. Fortunately my children enjoy books. Must be the example that I set, as you can see from the following sample of my current reading:

Reading 1

Tapioca flour
Prawns (20%)
Vegetable oil
Sugar
Condensed milk
Salt
Whole egg
Flavour enhancer (E621)
Can contain traces of peanuts

Reading 2

Twentieth Century Fox Presents
A ROBERT WISE Production
Starring JULIE ANDREWS CHRISTOPHER PLUMMER
Co-Starring RICHARD HAYDN PEGGY WOOD ELEANOR PARKER as "The Baroness"
Music By RICHARD RODGERS Lyrics by OSCAR HAMMERSTEIN II
Additional Words and Music BY RICHARD RODGERS
Screenplay by ERNEST LEHMAN
From the Stage Musical With Music and Lyrics by RICHARD RODGERS and OSCAR HAMMERSTEIN II Book By HOWARD LINDSAY and RUSSEL CROUSE
Associate Producer SAUL CHAPLIN
Directed By ROBERT WISE
Produced By Argyle Enterprises, Inc.
Color By Deluxe

Reading 3

Church Street
Wey Lane
Germain Street
King Street
Amy Lane
A416 Amersham, Rickmansworth
A416 Amersham Old Town
A355
A416 Beaconsfield
A40 London, Slough
A355 Slough
M40 Wycombe, Oxford
M42 The North
M6 Toll The North West
Norton Canes Services
£4
M6 North
M62 Liverpool
A5080 Liverpool, Knotty Ash
A5058 Ring Road, Widnes, Airport
A5058 Widnes, Liverpool Airport
A562 Widnes, Liverpool Airport
Beechfield Road

Happy Half Term!

Monday 28 May 2007

2007-05-28T06:26:00.000Z

The brand new week starts in the UK with a bank holiday - a public holiday that gives people time off to buy bargain leather sofas, sit in traffic jams, and have barbecues in the rain. What could be making Really Huge News by the time Friday comes and us Brits have once again realised that the banks being on holiday has evolved into a multitude of cash burning opportunities? Possibly the following:

*****

The World Meteorological Organisation (WMO) lambasts Finland and Venezuela for introducing public area smoking bans. The WMO executive council's annual review of the state of the earth's atmosphere controversially recommends the scrapping of such bans to increase secondary smoking and, therefore, reduce the amount of CO2 being released into the atmosphere.

*****

The International Whaling Commission stirs up more controversy by joining the smoking debate and coming out against the "No Tobacco Day" and in favour of smoking. The Japanese spokesperson makes a point of recommending the smoked whale blubber sushi.

*****

Second Life welcomes Sweden's virtual embassy and, almost immediately, the virtual manufacturing plant for Ferrero Rocher.

*****

The anti-evolution Creation Museum in Kentucky, USA closes its doors days after opening as a result of multiple law suits triggered by its people mingling with dinosaurs exhibit. The intellectual property infringement claims are valid claims lead spokesperson Barney who goes on to deny that this is payback time for his show being banned from the Philippines for witchcraft and necromancy.

*****

Radio Caracas TV is back on the air having agreed to drop its criticism of the Hugo Chavez regime, work to boost the image of Venezuela, and, most importantly, stop broadcasting Barney.

*****

The Bhutan authorities are re-evaluating their approach to educating people about democracy when the mock election results in Gordon Brown taking power.

*****

Airbus shares plummet when the latest Airbus 380 airport compatability tests in Charles De Gaulle airport result in "Non, Non, Non".

*****

The International Conference on Nuclear Criticality Safety in St Petersburg, Russia ended in disarray and disaster. The fallout is still being assessed.

*****

Nearby in Moscow, the International Federation of Journalists annual congress, "Making News for Democracy: Building Trust in Quality Journalism" is a huge success despite dangerous overcrowding at the break-out session "The Use of Irony in Choosing Congress Locations".

*****

David Beckham's return to the England football side is frustrated after he pulls out of England's first international at the new Wembley Stadium. Beckham refused to face Brazil after he realised that his latest hairstyle, developed specially for the occasion, cannot be seen from the stadium's top tier.

*****

Friday 25 May 2007

2007-05-24T15:14:00.000Z

As the weekend has already started at my daughter's school due to a teacher training day, I thought I’d share some really huge news from the last few days as reported in the UK. For those of you reading this overseas somewhere, the UK is situated in northern Europe, just below Iceland (fill in your own jokes related to maternal confusion about this geographic reference) and, thanks to global warming, has a sub-tropical climate, this week actually featuring sunshine... and some rain.

The REALLY HUGE NEWS this week is:

*****

Trafalgar Square has gone all green, having been covered with turf. Meanwhile a beach has been constructed in Kew Gardens. It's amazing what a few days of sunshine does to London. The dudes are already gathered by the Thames Barrier waiting for surf up.

*****

A swarm of bees terrorised local residents on Bournemouth Pier after the traditional 1960s hairstyle competition was opened by surprise guest Amy Winehouse.

*****

Happy Birthday to Star Wars which is 30 years old today. If you can remember it clearly first time round, you can also remember days before Princess Leia, The Force and movie merchandising. Yes, a galaxy far, far away.

*****

Rod Baber made a mobile phone call from the top of Everest. Living in the countryside, I can appreciate the challenge getting a good signal but think of the roaming charges.

*****

Fireman were bravely pointing their hoses at the Cutty Sark at the same time as a news item came out reporting that tea is better than water. Not when you're trying to douse the flames on the last remaining tea clipper but most acceptable with some biscuits and a nice sit down after a hard day fire fighting.

*****

Children's author Ted Dewan offered his head by way of replacement if Oxford University's Pitt Rivers Museum repatriates its Amazon shrunken heads collection. Noting Mr Dewan's success as an author, Jeff Bezos's spokesperson declined any further comment.

*****

The British civil service is issuing iPods as a developmental tool for top civil servants. In a related development, the BBC announced the return of "Yes Minister", now retitled "Sorry Minister, didn't catch a word of of what you were saying".

*****

McDonalds has launched a petition against the Oxford English Dictionary's definition of the word McJob saying that it should clearly be replaced with "The by-product of a low-nutrition, low-prestige, low-dignity, low benefit, no-future food". Meanwhile National Vegetarian Week started a campaign against the use of the phrase "vegetative state".

*****

Brazil footballing legend Romario celebrated scoring his 1000th goal. All Sheffield United need to do is score at the same rate as they did in the 2006-7 season for the next 31 years and they'd be only 8 goals short of matching Romario's incredible feet.

*****

An obese tourist had to be airlifted from a cruise ship when he fell ill. How else do you get up if you weigh 450 pounds? Apparently he was suffering from gastric problems (go figure) and is doing fine now.

*****

Viagra can be used to help recovery from jetlag. Yet to be discovered is whether this is due to the drug successfully resetting the body clock or the trial participants not caring which time zone they were in or a simple typo.

*****

Tony Wright has established a new world record by not sleeping for over 11 days. Curiously he couldn't get to sleep when he finally went to bed. He shouldn't have watched all those episodes of Doctor Who to keep awake.

*****

Wednesday 23 May 2007

2007-05-21T11:07:00.000Z

It's Wednesday, so it's spelling test day at school for my 8 year old daughter. This week the words are:

not
knot
read
reed
fair
fare
tail
tale
their
there
where
wear

Yes. The second week of homonyms, those wonderful words that sound the same, might even have the same spelling, but mean different things. My second alternative homonymical spelling list is:

new
Wembley
FA
cup
final
exciting
right
result
blue
is
the
colour

The usual competition rules and prizes. This week, can you get the spellings right? Answers on an e-postcard please.

Monday 21 May 2007

2007-05-19T05:33:00.000Z

The week ahead beckons with the bouncing excitement of a young puppy. What could be making Really Huge News by the time Friday comes in and we're all dog-tired and eager for the weekend? Possibly the following:

*****

Channel Five will offer Tony Blair a pilot for a TV series entitled "Britain Is The Best Country In The World". The pilot will be on "Making a Cup of Tea". If successful, this will be followed by "Our Policeman Do Not Carry Guns", "We Do Everything To Protect Civil Liberties" and "We're Not Superficial - How I Got To The Top With Imperfect Teeth".

*****

Demonstrating once again that history does repeat itself, following the excitement of the penalty shoot out deciding the European Champions League Final between Liverpool and AC Milan, Chelsea spend £30 million on a once great footballer just past his prime.

*****

Chaos in the British Labour Party as Gordon Brown abandons his campaign for leadership of the party following revelations that his attempts to smile have adversely affected the weather by creating what meteorologists call an occlusion and normal people call a bit wet for this time of year.

*****

The International Atomic Energy Agency reports that Iran has not complied with the UN Security Council deadline to halt uranium enrichment. Tony Blair immediately orders a military strike on Tehran saying "What the hell. I'm going anyway. Let Gordon sort this one out".

*****

The Russian authorities change their mind and decide not to ban the Moscow Gay Pride Parade. Instead they've relocated it to a little camp in Siberia.

*****

The Irish general election results surprise many when the Eurovision Party comes from nowhere to sweep to power. Dana, the new Taoiseach explained that Irish musicians had switched to politics as they can never win the Eurovision Song Contest again because of Eastern bloc voting. "This was an election we could win", she said. Dana added that she stood by her party's campaign to bring Ireland "All Kinds Of Everything".

*****

The Queen and The Duke of Edinburgh's visit to a Hindu Temple in Bradford is cut short when members of the temple asked "What does a Prince Philip do?"

*****

Following hot on the heels of the Mars Bar Non-Veg/Veg fiasco, Cadbury's comes clean about the ingredients in their Fruit and Nut bars.

*****

Tintin marks Hergé's centennial in controversial style by filing copy to his newspaper for only the second time ever revealing his time with Joseph Ratzinger in the Hitler Youth.

*****

America's record on human rights is under the spotlight after the United Nations identifies serious breaches, most notably the continued worldwide syndication of Baywatch.

*****

Friday 18 May 2007

2007-05-18T09:15:00.000Z

As the weekend in the Middle East is half-way through, I thought I’d share some really huge news from the last few days as reported in the UK. For those of you reading this overseas somewhere, the UK is situated in northern Europe, just to the right of Ireland (fill in your own jokes related to Anglo-Irish political differences) and, thanks to global warming, has a sub-tropical climate, this week featuring rain.

The REALLY HUGE NEWS this week is:

*****

The UK Government has decided, after all, that it will license scientists to create human animal hybrid embryos for research. Critics say that consideration of the deep ethical issues has been side-stepped as, once again, the Goverment is playing the populist card by trying to ride on the back of the success of the Spider-Man movies.

*****

Mars Bars, Twix and Snickers are now no longer suitable for Muslims with the introduction of animal product rennet. There is absolutely no truth that this is the latest George W. Bush inspired move for the War On Terror - "Now those terrorismists can't Work, Rest and Play".

The manufacturers appear to be unconcerned about any impact on their Muslim or vegetarian customer base. No-one, however, seems to have mentioned any objections that any-one might have of having ones daily confectionary treat laced with a substance produced in the fourth stomach of young cows bred for veal production. Pleasure You Can't Measure.

*****

Bubba Ludwig has been issued with a gun permit in Illinois. 10 months old Bubba has been wondering why he was not issued one the moment his father's sperm fertilised his mother's egg - "don't my parents know the Bill of Rights?" or as Bubba put it "Goo, goo, goo, Charlton Heston?"

*****

Prince Harry will not be spending a tour of duty in Iraq after all. The UK military have assessed the risk to Harry and those around him is too great. Now all they need to do is sort through the long line of soldiers wearing "I'm Harry" T-shirts to find the real one.

*****

Jerry Falwell died this week. Much has been said about Mr. Falwell. He certainly helped to make religious groupings a powerful force in US politics. Perhaps most significantly, he made a major contribution to free speech in his US Supreme Court loss against Larry Flynt of Hustler infamy delivering stronger free speech rights in relation to parody. So Jerry - the Teletubbies "Say Goodbye", especially Tinky Winky.

*****

The beauty of the Taj Mahal has been diminished in recent years by pollution discolouring the once pristine marble from which this labour of love is constructed. The solution has been staring us in the face all this time - apply a mud pack. Well not staring me in my face. My days of mudpackery are long gone.

*****

A re-print of a 1982 Birmingham Mail newspaper published to commemorate the 25th anniversary of Aston Villa Football Club's European Cup victory caused confusion in the local property market. A number of readers found the £53,500 price for a four bedroomed house very appealing. The current market valuation would be ten times this amount. So they decided to take the logical next step. That's right, ignore that they were reading a re-print of a quarter of a century old newspaper, and try to buy this bargain house.

These same individuals also tried to re-negotiate their salaries to the 1982 average of £7,117, pay £297 for a Sony 22 inch colour TV, £470 for a Sony video recorder, 58 pence for a pint of beer, £1.64 for a gallon of petrol, £16,731 for a Porsche 911, £80 for a Sony Walkman and 16 pence for a vegetarian Mars Bar.

*****

Alan Johnson, the UK's Secretary of State for Education and Skills has published the list of the top 167 books for teenage boys. This initiative is to help encourage reading. Something that boys are apparently not so good at.

The top 5 are:

1) The Top 10 of Everything 2007 by Russell Ash

2) Strange Powers of the Human Mind (Forbidden Truths) by Herbie Brennan

3) A Short History of Nearly Everything by Bill Bryson

4) I Know You Got Soul by Jeremy Clarkson

5) Guinness Book of Records

You have to wait for number 14 to get the first work of fiction - Douglas Adams's Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy - unless you consider the complete list a masterclass in detached from reality thinking.

*****
TV celebrity chef Gordon Ramsey had one tonne of horse manure dumped outside his Michelin 1 star rated Claridge's restaurant by protesters from People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals because horse meat was featured on chef Ramsey's TV programme "The F Word". This has solved a long-running mystery as to the mischievous "F" in the programme title. Having watched and enjoyed the programme but having no clue as to what the "F" in Ramsey's programme stood for, it all became suddenly crystal clear - dial "F" for Fertiliser.

*****

Jose Mourinho prepared for the culmination of Chelsea Football Club's season - their FA Cup Final appearance - by being arrested in a dog related incident. This might bring back curious memories of reports about footballer Stan Collymore but that would be totally misplaced and somewhat worrying.

*****

Wednesday 16 May 2007

2007-05-16T13:46:00.000Z

Today my 8 year old daughter has her weekly spelling test at school. This week the words set are:

coat
leaves
note
mean
table
sound
light
point
watch
wave
fly
form

These are, as I'm sure you immediately realised, homonyms. Words that share the same pronunciation and/or spelling, as my daughter explained to me.

My alternative homonymical spelling test list is:

fluff
slip
loll
post
bug
inhale
no
new
taxes
dubya
prudence
sleaze

The usual competition rules and prizes if you can guess the multiple meanings or spellings.

Friday 11 May 2007

2007-05-11T17:05:00.000Z

As the western work week comes to an end, I thought I’d share some really huge news from the last few days as reported in the UK. For those of you reading this overseas somewhere, the UK is situated in northern Europe, just above France (fill in your own jokes related to centuries of Anglo-French rivalry) and, thanks to global warming, has a sub-tropical climate, this week featuring rain.

The REALLY HUGE NEWS this week is:

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Tony Blair has announced his resignation and, with the speed of action that has typified his ten years in power, will stop being prime minister in seven weeks time.

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The Eurovision Song Contest is with us once again. It is being held in Helsinki and Thursday brought the semi-final and success for Belarus, Macedonia, Slovenia, Hungary, Georgia, Latvia, Serbia, Bulgaria, Turkey and Moldova. Also success for the viewing and listening public who, thanks to the rules that give Germany, France, Spain and the UK an automatic place in Saturday’s final, did not have to listen to the UK’s entry Flying The Flag sung by Scooch.

For those wondering what Scooch stands for:

Sorry
Continental Europe
Oh it’s so embarrassing that this song is representing the UK, my life force is ebbing away, I can’t go on ……
Oh no, they’re still singing
Can’t
Hear anymore

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Very, very many apologies for the quality of the UK entry. Even so, I’m not sure I hanker after the old days when there were songs such as Boom Bang a Bang, Ding-A-Dong, and Diggi-loo diggy-ley.

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Cezanne’s Water Melon sold for £12.8M (US$25M). Makes it bloody expensive to achieve your five a day.

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London cyclists will no longer need a special permit to cycle along canal towpaths in London. Anglers, however, still need to purchase a license during the shopping trolley fishing season.

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Knights of the realm Sir Tom Jones and Sir Elton John will perform at the memorial concert for Princess Diana on 1 July. Money raised by the concert will go to admirable charities including Centrepoint, the UK’s leading youth homelessness charity, and Sentabale which helps vulnerable and young children in Lesotho. No mention of any money going to Jimmy Saville to revive his Clunk-Click campaign.

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Google Earth may soon contain not only images of the globe but also the relevant sounds. Whatever you do, avoid using Google Earth to zoom-in on Helsinki on Saturday night.

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To mark the start of Lara Croft’s second decade, the original game is being re-worked and will be available on 27 June when she moves from No 11 to No 10 Downing Street. … Um … No that’s Gordon Brown becoming prime minister. I wonder where these politicians get their ideas? (Probably best not to conjure up an image of Gordon Brown dressed up as Lara Croft).

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Scientists have linked oral sex to throat cancer. Some experts find that somewhat hard to swallow.

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Bill Clinton announced an important arrangement to provide less expensive HIV/Aids drugs to developing countries. His other related initiative received less publicity – he once again promised to stay faithful to Hillary.

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A nine-year-old boy has hatched a chick from an egg his mother bought at a local supermarket. He’s now hoping that his new Hush Puppies will bring him the pet he really wanted.

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Paris Hilton will go to jail for 45 days. Some reports suggested that she expressed concern because of her huge fan base, the pleasure she provides millions and because her public needs her. (I’m not sure the transcript is wholly accurate or if any of the words have been spelled incorrectly). Petitions have sprung up on this important social issue. Exercise your conscience as follows:

Petition to keep Paris Hilton out of jail

Petition to send Paris Hilton to jail

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